Saturday, June 18, 2011

Anxiously Waiting

Here is is, 1230 and my body feels past the point of exhausted, yet there is no way to just shut my mind down. I have a million thoughts just racing through my head and the anticipation of surgery is beginning to eat away at me.  Earlier today I found myself literally in tears because I am just so tired of all these health problems. I am 28 years old and have had multiple surgeries and issues. I have spent many weeks in the hospitals. I have undergone more procedures and tests than I could ever remember. Looking in the mirror I always see scars that are a constant reminder of surgeries. The way I feel more days than one should be allowed to, whether in pain or just not well, is a constant reminder of the fact that I can't get up and go like people my age, like I use to. So much has changed and so many things will never be as they once were.

I am feeling all over the place as I write this. My mind is running rancid and honestly, I find myself scared over another surgery. Yes, this is a spinal one and the type it is has very limited worries to it. With that being said, I can't help but to struggle with the fears after the last surgery ended up the way it did. For those of you who are not aware of what I am referring to, click kidney failure (august) and kidney failure (November). I keep telling myself that my strength, belief in God, and close family, friends, and all the prayers combined are what kept me here and have kept me going. It hasn't been easy since August, but I am here. There is still some of me that is trying to recover. Like, I am still anemic. I am not sure that will ever change. It really takes a toll on me some days. My kidneys aren't what they use to be, nor will they ever be again. I have to watch what I eat, drink, and what medications I put into my body in order to keep my kidneys functioning. I had never even had a kidney infection before August.... So I can't help but to find myself fearing this surgery.....

Thank you friends and family that have been by my side through all of this. Not just here and there or day before or when convenient... but through everything. I can never express what your prayers and concerns mean to me and my family. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys have kept me pushing and striving to always keep going. You have kept the positive side in me when I have felt it crashing. Thank you.

I will update on here as soon as I feel up to it.

I love you all!