Our First Getaway (No kids)

I have been thinking a lot about updating a new post with photos of the past week on here, but I honestly LOVED that when I clicked on our blog the first photo that I would see is the one of Kevin and I with Tim McGraw! lol.

June has by far been one of the most amazing months for us. I am still trying to find the words for it all, but have come to the conclusion that just may never happen. Go ahead people, take note of this one... Brittney Biddle is struggling for words! Haha. We all know this is a rare thing to happen. Every time I try to find the words, I realize that they don't exist because there is no way to say Thank You for what we are being blessed with. Words aren't strong enough. All I can do is know that once things are calm again, I will give back that much more to the community of veterans and their families.

Today is June 22 and in 22 days our lives have changed so much. Sometime within the first few days of June, we applied for the house in Macon through the Homes on the Homefront  program with Operation Homefront. On June 7 we received the call that changed everything for us, that brought us hope in life and lifted so much from our shoulders. We found out that we were the family that has been chosen for a home in Macon, GA. In disbelief we shared many emotions and are still emotional on this. We have been so blessed and many prayers from many people have been answered. On June 8, we began our journey to AL first going to Irondale, AL where we stayed for a few nights in a suite. Kevin, Nic, Bre, and I in one room and Aunt Jeanette, Grandmama, and Caitlin in a room right next to us. We stayed there through June 11, attending our annual summer family reunion. It was so wonderful to see everyone and we missed the ones that were unable to make it. On June 11, the kids left with Grandmama and Aunt Jeanette and headed back to Mena while Kevin and I headed south to Dothan...

While in Dothan, Kevin and I were FINALLY able to have some time of it being just the two of us. That has not happened in years!!!  It was so peaceful. We woke up around 8 on Tuesday morning and ate breakfast before heading to Destin, FL. While in Destin, we walked the beach with our feet in the water, checked out a couple stores then drove the coast, heading towards Panama City Beach.

As we drove the coast, there were small towns that we just fell in love with. We stopped in one, Seaside, FL, to get out and stretch and of course to check out the town. It was not crowded, yet there were people all around, busy with their families and walking the town. There were families on bikes passing by. It is such a family oriented place. While we were there, we found a restaurant that had a balcony to eat on that overlooked the ocean. Without a second thought, we decided to eat there at Ben and Ally's. It was so good! We sat on the balcony closest to the ocean. Of course, there was a good amount of beachfront between us and the water, but that didn't matter.

After lunch and a brisk walk on the beach, we drove a short distance further and found ourselves reaching Panama City, which was surprisingly not that busy either. We stopped in an area that no one else was at and walked to the water. We found seashells for the girls and I quickly realized I had a better love for the Destin area! The beach was so much smoother to walk on and cleaner in general. There wasn't the sight of seaweed to the visible eye just by looking into the water while standing on the shore as there was in Panama City on the beach.  After picking up shells, which the girls absolutely loved, we drove more into the city and stopped at the first pier we came to. We decided to walk the pier, which was a wonderful idea. I am so glad Kevin was up to walking a small distance and was able to handle people. This never happens to us, so I am so thankful for the amazing day we had. As we were walking the pier, I think we stopped every five feet or so to look over the edge. On the east side of the pier, there really wasn't much going on in the water, but on the west side of it, there were little fish that were all staying near the columns and small sharks that swam in the waters near them, just zipping in and out of waves. At one point, about halfway down the pier, Kevin noticed a man that had just caught one of these sharks and of course without hesitation we found ourselves next to him checking this shark out. This man let Kevin hold the shark and I honestly think, this moment made his day. Kevin is still talking about it. It brings so many smiles to my face to think of the happiness he had that day and the way I was able to catch glimpses of the "old" Kevin. There were still the struggles, apprehension, and pain, but he smiled more that day. After the pier, we headed across the street to Dicks for a drink and ended up ordering crocodile. We have NEVER had that before, but let me tell you, it tasted fabulous!!!

The next couple of days were spent around Dothan, really not doing much. We window shopped, talked, ate out, and spent the much needed quality time that we have not had in so many years. It seems that life has just flown by and we neglected to spend the alone time with each other. Operation Homefront provided us with that, or as Andrea says "With mommy daddy time". Oh it was so needed. We missed the children, but time away is good for everyone every once in awhile.

This trip left us even more excited for our move. Savannah will only be an hour and a half from us, which means that Kevin will be able to spend time shore fishing and I will have time to walk on the beach. It also means that in the upcoming months, our children will be able to see the ocean for the very first time. It's the simple things in life that make me smile the most. It's knowing that my children will now have many wonderful and happy memories in the days, weeks, months and years to come. Often when we think of men and women being injured overseas, we forget about what it does to the family. We forget how much it does to the children. They learn so much from it, but sadly, they also tend to grow up much quicker than other children. With our move and blessings, I want to give them back their childhood. I want them to enjoy life more. They are only small for such a short period of time. I want them to look back in life and think that times may have been hard in our house, but they would do it all over again. I know without a doubt, I would do it all over again to have these crazy four in my life. They complete me and the person I have become.

Falling in Love All Over Again

After three hours of Kevin being in the OR and me being on the verge of a breakdown because the procedure that was only supposed to last a little over an hour ended up being over three hours. Panic was beginning to set in to the point I had to ask the Red Cross Volunteer woman if she could find out what was going on with my husband. Of course, she went to the OR area to check the status of his procedure and find out what was taking so long. She was only away from a few minutes and came back with the news that they were in the process of transferring him from the OR to the recovery area and that his doctor would be visiting with me within moments.

Not long after the conversation with this sweet lady, Kevin's neurosurgeon came in to get me and Nicholas. As we were walking to the recovery area, Dr. Caram explained all that had taken place and why it had taken double to time. Once he had made the incision and was in the neck area, he was able to see the extent of the damages. He was able to see that the MRI did not show how horrible things really were and what had been done to Kevin after being hit with so many IED's. Kevin has severe arthritis and bone spurs in his neck as well as the bones crushing down on his neck. There was a lot of drilling and moving around in order to replace a disc and perform a fusion. He had bones pressing down on the nerves that was causing a constant pain in his neck, shoulders, and stabbing headaches. 

As we approached the recovery area, I saw my husband lying in the bed not even knowing who he was or where he was at that moment. I saw a side of him that I had never seen, even after he had his arm surgeries he wasn't as bad. He kept lifting his arms and placing his hands against his heads in hopes of trying to ease the pain. The good sign that I immediately picked up on was that my husband was lifting his arms again with no problem. But, to see him in that amount of pain I felt my heart just ache. For about an hour they kept pushing the pain meds through him in hopes to alleviate some of the pain. I felt helpless seeing him this way. Yet, he kept grabbing onto me and keeping me as close to him as he could.

About an hour after being in the recovery area, we were taken a few floors up to a room that he would be staying the night in. During the few hours that I was able to stay with him, Kevin kept me laying beside him, holding me close, which Nic played on my phone or watched a movie. I felt like at some points I was Kev's crutch as he tried to hard to not let me see the pain he was in. I don't think he realized that it all showed through just by looking at his eyes. Through this time, Kev kept telling me how much he loves me and yet, I still felt helpless because I couldn't just make him feel better.

During this time, I felt my heart break into a million pieces as I watched the battles, yet at the same time I felt my heart swell with pride knowing what all he has done and been through. I caught myself on multiple moments after he pulled me beside him to lay with him on his bed, tearing up and trying my hardest not to shed even a single tear. I mean, how do you explain to someone fresh out of surgery the thoughts that were going through my mind. Everything from the past two deployments and his injuries became raw and fresh to me all over again. My husband has honestly lived through the true hell of combat. He has done, seen, witnessed what we all fear or worse, what we all imagine the most difficult situations to be in war. He pulled convoy security, he did the recovery missions, he was involved in multiple firefights. He's lived the true hell of war.

For the first time since his return in 2007 and again in 2009, everything truly hit me. It all came falling down on me like a pile of bricks. When I returned home that evening, the tears just poured. I often hear many wives mad and yelling at the world because their spouse is no longer the person that they sent off to war. I know this is true.... Yet, how can one find so much anger in this situation. All I could think was, my husband came home. Even if he has severe problems with PTSD, TBI, sleep apnea, skin cancer, and everything else that has come out of the deployments, we can work through it all. He's home with me and our kids and he is alive. There were so many times over there when things could have gone differently. I could have been one of the many that had to live through the feared and dreaded speech of "On behalf of the United States Army, we regret to inform you...", yet I wasn't. I didn't have to explain to our children that their daddy wasn't coming home. I haven't had to rebuild my life, alone, while daily just trying to keep it together because my spouse didn't come home physically.

So, here I am, lucky and relieved because I can lay my head down every night with Kevin beside me. As I write this, I feel selfish and in pain because I know how many others there are that are no longer able to experience this any longer. In the end, regardless of what war has brought to my house, I no longer have doubts, fears, or worries that we not overcome everything. Sure, life and marriage won't always be easy, nor do I expect it to be. However, something during the recovery period following Kev's surgery hit me hard and I found myself falling in love all over again with this man that I met years ago and have been blessed to share my life with. War changes people, but it's what you make of it in the end and the determination a spouse and veteran have to make things work. I welcome the new changes that lie ahead, including the challenges that come after combat.  Kevin will never be the same mentally or physically again as he was before he ever deployed, yet he will always be the man I love and continue sharing my life with. 

The Stong Can't Always be Strong

Here it is, a little after eleven...not too terribly late, but late enough that I should be in bed. Seems like there have been many nights when I just can't get to sleep and I spend awhile tossing and turning before I finally find myself sitting in the living room, in front of the computer. I spend my time either chatting with friends on facebook (thank you to the ladies who have been here for me lately! I can never show my appreciation enough!) or updating stories and articles with the an amazing non-profit organization I am now working with. I have to say, the ladies that I work with have been an amazing support system and I have been blessed to meet so many wonderful people lately! Off subject on where I was going with this, but check us out www.familyofavet.com. We are also on facebook, www.facebook.com/familyofavet.

Anyhow, it seems that lately life has thrown so many curve balls our way; more so than usual. I have always managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel and see the best in things. I have always managed to be the strong one, knowing that everything will always turn out just fine. After all, we are the ones that ultimately have the choice to make the best out of every situation and experience life throws out way, or we can be miserable and kill ourselves early. I think I will choose to make the best out of it all. That' is just me and I know my optimistic side can become somewhat annoying to certain individuals. I just get frustrated in hearing how hard someones life is or how nothing is going right, when they have so much to be thankful for and when they have never faced true, trying times. I know that every person has their own issues just as I know no one has it "easy". But what it boils down to, many people do have it "easier" than others and take straight advantage of life in place of cherishing it. I know there are people that have it harder than what I have had to face and accept, but I also know that life has been hard as hell at times and this strong girl just wants to step back and evaluate things. I just don't understand why so much has been thrown at me and my family over the years. It has been one obstacle after another, and at times, we can't even find the time to work through one thing before something else occurs.

For those of you who may not know, I have battled life threatening health problems for many years. When I was a young child I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid gland. May not seem like anything big to some, but the thyroid gland controls many aspects of the human body and to put it bluntly, without it functioning properly, you will not survive. In 2005 I was told that it had quit functioning and compound masses were found. There were so many that they could not even get the accurate diagnosis from the biopsy when looking for cancer. Turns out it was pre-cancerous, which we found out about after the thyroidectomy. I am 100% dependent on medication for the rest of my life since I no longer have a thyroid. Over the years, my body has gone through phases that makes it to where I won't accept the meds and more work has had to be done. I have spent time in the hospital just praying while hooked up to many machines and on too many medications to count... Since then there have been struggles with maintaining my levels that come back on my thyroid panels, which are done ever 8-12 weeks. For the past six months my levels have stayed in the normal range and I go next week for more lab work to be done. I am not sure how it will turn out since I have not felt the best lately. Guess we will find out more next week.

Past that, since I was 14 I have battled endometreosis and reoccurring ovarian cysts. The cysts have led to emergency surgeries in the past from the ruptures. I was told at a young age I would never conceive, so I find it a true blessing to have my three little ones. Breanna was my tiny preemie that to this day amazes me that she is even here. It was a true struggle throughout my pregnancy and her first year. I spent more time the last 15 weeks of my pregnancy in the hospital admitted than I did at home. She ended up being an emergency c-section right under 35 weeks gestation due to her heart stopping or slowing too many times with the inability to fall back into the rapid beats. Then her first year she was hooked up to an apnea monitor for the majority of it. In the end, all three turned into c-sections. After having Nicholas in 2007, my "female" problems turned more severe and left me in intense pain and unable to function on a day to day basis. In October of 2008 I ended up having to have a hysterectomy. This surgical procedure made it impossible for me to ever carry a baby again... Talk about a lot to take on at 25.

My health refused to remain stable and in 2010 it got to the point of leaving me in continuous pain and staying sick. After many doctor appointments, they finally decided to send me to gynecology. Long story short, gynecology decided to perform an oopherectomy. This time my ovaries were coming out because the endometreosis was getting worse. Endo grows as your ovaries produce hormones. There is no cure and the only way to get it under control is to remove the ovaries. This was done and it was not done properly. You can find the details to the surgical procedure here that left me on my death bed, fighting for my life, and with more health problems that I face today. Due to the doctor's incompetence that led me to kidney failure in August following the oopherectomy, I also went into kidney failure a second time on October 31. I had to spend Halloween in the hospital and ended up spending a week there, again, fighting for my life. Details on that visit, can be found here. Since then, I have not been able to get back to a normal life and everyday I pray for the strength I had before the surgery in August. The surgery also put me into menopause. Surgical menopause is a lot more intense that falling into it naturally. Naturally it comes on slowly, surgery brings it on immediately. And, let me just tell you...IT SUCKS!!! : )  I tire over the simplest tasks. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Yet, through it all, at the end of the day, regardless of how I feel...I am blessed to still be here and blessed for the husband, kids, family, and friends that I have in life. Without my family and friends, I am not sure where I would be today.

In November while in the hospital it was also discovered that I have a benign tumor in my colon. Today I found out that my symptoms are in fact getting worse and I now have to undergo another colonoscopy on May 11. The doctor is very concerned about what the tumor may be doing as well as what is going on with me. I haven't gained weight, yet my pants and shirts no longer fit because I am so bloated in the lower abdomen. The doctor picked up on this right away. Truthfully, I am quite scared....

I am also having surgery on my lower back, which I have already explained in a recent post, so there is no reason for me to go back into it again. I am currently waiting on my insurance to approve everything. The pain is still intense and I am trying my best to tolerate it to the best of my ability. At times I just have to take the pain meds that I have been given.

I haven't even listed all that I am going through with my health, because it is just too much to think through. If you know me, then you may know my battles...

Aside from what all I have going on, we also have a lot on our plate with all that Kev is facing and battling every day. Since returning from his deployment in 2007 (and second one in 2009), he has been a different man. He battles severe PTSD, TBI, permanent nerve damage in both arms (causing surgery in each arm), bone spurs in his back, degenerative disc disease, sleep apnea (which has him sleeping with a CPAP machine every night), arthritis in his back, crushed vertebra throughout his back, skin cancer, and more. All stemming from combat. He is being medically retired from the army and should be out no later than the end of this year. To read more about his conditions, click here. I go more into detail in this posting. I am so angry about what the war has done to my husband, but there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is continue cherishing the times we have and just be grateful that he is here with me today. I am one of the "lucky" spouses of the wars...

Through all of this, there are days that I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I just want to break and cry. I want to be like many others and scream, shout, and yell at the world. I want to shake people and just make them understand. I want to beat the people that cry and complain because of how "unfair" life is or how they are upset their spouse has to work a little later than normal or because things don't go as planned. What are plans? We don't even live by plans anymore because we can't. And you know what, that is okay. We have adapted to the changes that we are faced with and we have done it together. Life isn't easy, but it is what we make of it. I am told by some that it is okay to cry and to not always be strong, but I don't know how to do that. All I know is to keep pushing on. Yet, today I honestly couldn't help but to think...what happens when the strong one finally breaks? Not that I will, because that is not my style. I don't know though, right now I feel at a loss. I see others my age with no health problems and they are able to keep going. They can work and live life. Things I am limited to being able to do. I see my friends complain because their husband doesn't want to go out or just wants to relax and I can't help but to think of what war has done to mine. I am just feeling so many emotions right now. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or us, I just want people to understand that life has been hard and it hasn't always dealt us the best hand when it comes to things, but we keep striving for more and we make the best out of it. Even when we think we can't keep going, we find a way.

I also came across some people today that were complaining about how much life sucks and I ask why. Their responses are always based around the material things in life... There is more to life that not being able to buy that car you want or the prices on things. People complain to much and forget all that they are blessed to have. They put too many pity parties on themselves and there is nothing attractive about that.

So, next time people want to complain about things that really won't matter ten minutes or a year from now, I pray they find it in themselves to think about what others are going through. It could always be worse. I know life has been difficult and that I have overcome many obstacles, but I also know that I have so much to be grateful for. I am not saying I don't complain, because I know I do over some things. Even when I hit close to bottom, I always find the bright side.

Right now I have the choice to play the pity card and I refuse to. Am I scared of the outcome on my colonoscopy? You bet your butt I am. But, I also know that whatever comes out of it, I have Kevin, my kids, family, and friends to help me through it. I know that I will get through it. I always do. Am I scared of my kidneys failing again because everyday I stand a high chance of it? Of course! But, what good would it do to live life based on the what ifs? Honestly, I would love nothing more than to not worry about any of it and to just live normal. Yet,  normal is out of the question with all that I have been through and all that Kevin faces.

At the end of the day, Kevin and I will be okay and we will get through whatever life throws. As always it is one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is all we can do. So, if I get down for a moment, please forgive me. Life isn't easy right now and I can't always be strong. Within time though, I will always pick myself and my family back up. I will continue putting the pieces back together and keep pushing forward. We have a long road ahead of us, but I am ready to face it head on with my family.

Friday Night Date Night

Kevin and I were actually able to go out for dinner last night! Talk about a change in pace. It was a much needed time and evening away from kids and the time together was wonderful! Thank you so much Glenn and Debbie for coming over and watching our kids! We can never thank y'all enough!

We started off the evening by walking around The Outlet Shoppes of El Paso. We did a lot of browsing and window shopping. Nothing was needed, so no money was spent! It is awesome to say that. The weather was perfect, which made it incredibly nice to be outside.

After the outlets we decided to head to Applebees for dinner. Neither of us were too terribly hungry, so we settled on the 2 for $20 deal they have. It included an appetizer and two entrees. We were more than full when it came time to leave. We ordered the spinach dip as an appetizer and a chicken pasta thing for Kev and the sirloin steak for me. It was very tasty! With my allergies acting up as bad as they have been this week we decided to cut the night short and head home around nine... Not sure if it really was as much my allergies as it was the tiredness kicking in from our long week. Maybe we should just face the facts...We just aren't as young as we use to be. Man, it is sad to admit this!

Even with it not being a long or "adventurous" night out on the town, it was still incredibly pleasant to have that time away with my husband...and NO kids in tow! We forgot what it was like to enjoy a dinner without having to argue with the kids or hear them arguing amongst one another.