Finding Me in My Hoop

Last weekend, I stepped out of my comfort zone and into an area of the unknown. I was a bit fearful, as I had no idea what to expect or what was to come. I had been invited to a Wounded Warrior Project Retreat for caregivers of wounded veterans. I was full of excitement, yet nervous. I have heard from others the emotional toll the retreats can take on wives of wounded veterans and knew that it would take a lot for me to keep my composure. Talking about Kevin's combat injuries and the toll it has taken on our family can be difficult at times with people that don't understand what we live through, but when you put women together that just "get it" and live the life every single day, the emotions can really take over. We understand what the others are going through and it is an understanding and bond that cannot be expressed in words.

With the hotel being in Tampa, FL, I ended up leaving my house around 5:30 Friday morning in order to be at Heather's house around 8:00 and on the road from her house by 8:30. We arrived at our hotel around 2:30 Friday afternoon and walked into the conference room, where we were greeted by WWP ladies. I am so sure a bit of fear and uncertainty was written all over our faces as we began to wonder what the hell we had gotten ourselves into.

After filling out paperwork, we were able to check into our room and were in awe at the suite we were provided and the fabulous view of Tampa Bay. I could have stared out my window from sunup to sun down. It was just beautiful. Following check in and some needed downtime, we took some time to learn names of the ladies that were taking part in our adventurous weekend and to become more familiar with the WWP ladies, who we each came to love! We ate a wonderful dinner at a nearby restaurant, where stuffed shrimp, steak, Mahi, and other tasty foods were served. I decided to go with an impeccable Crab Crusted Mahi Mahi, salad, and New York style Cheese Cake. It was divine!!! Many laughs and stories were shared over our tables and bonds were in the early stages of being formed.

*Disclaimer before I even start into our weekend: If it is out of order, please understand. The weekend was incredibly busy and held so many emotional moments. I am also certain I have left a few details and activities out of this post because my mind is running in a million directions. If you were at the retreat and want to add something, please leave a comment! I would love for you ladies that were there with me to also add to it from your perspectives.*

 

Saturday morning, we all woke, ate breakfast, and loaded the vans by 8:00, then were off to Quantam Leap Farm. Upon our arrival we were welcomed by a group of amazing women, Edie Dopking, Carla Staats, and Jenna Miller. Over the course of the weekend, we spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday with these ladies, especially with Carla and Jenna. Edie founded QLF in 2000 to serve to those with injuries and disabilities. She wanted to share the special gifts and sense of freedom horses offer (and I can definitely attest to this). Those of us know the retreat we apart of the W.O.W (Women of Warriors) at EASE (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association) Program. This program is for caregivers of wounded warriors and is a program that will follow each of us that have participated in it. The EASE program is run by Carla Staats, Co-Director, MA, LCDC, CAP, CTT, EAP, EAGALA Certified Professional, who is the founder and president of Staats Behavioral Health and Wellness, LLC, and Co-Owner of N2 Nutrician, LLC. Jenna Miller is also a Co-Director at EASE Program, Head Therapeutic Riding Instructor, MA, RMHCI.

On Saturday morning, we spent it around a fire getting to know each other and focusing on PTS with Bob Delaney. I must say, if you are not familiar with his name, become familiar!!! Bob has so much insight on PTSD and has so many stories to tell. I feel so very fortunate that we were able to be blessed with his presence.  Delaney wrote a book, Surviving the Shadows, that each of us left with. I have yet to have time to read it, but it is my next read - one that I cannot wait to read!

Saturday afternoon was spent in the arena, taking on the equine side of things. This is where many emotions came out and we began processing all that we are taking on in our lives. We tend to take on more than we realize and honestly more than we should. To start the afternoon session off, we all stood on a ramp in the arena and were told to watch the horses as they made their way around the arena and interacted with one another in their world. We quietly observed as our soon to be new equestrian friends moved around while carefully watching the unfamiliar humans that had taken over a small portion of their space. We watched how they reacted to each other, how one would claim dominance over the others and how one would stand off to the side, almost alone. We cautiously and carefully observed every move they took, just as they did us. After a short time passed, we were asked to discuss and express what we had witnessed. The observations were each unique and each so truthful. It is amazing what you can learn in a few moments of silence and observation. After a short talk, we were then instructed to go out into the arena and meet the horses. Excitement swept over some of us, while fear washed over others. I instantly felt connected with what looked like the largest horse in the arena. There is something special about him. He is large, yet has such a soft demeanor about him. I guess he reminded me of Kevin. Everyone is instantly intimidated by him, but when given the chance the intimidation factor subsides and the soft side shows through.

At one point on Saturday we were each told to grab a bucket and were led to a huge pile of manure. At this pile we were told to fill our bucket with as much crap as what we felt was taking an emotional toll on us, what was bringing us down. Most of us filled it close to the rim, yet one person filled it not even half way - Her reason was no matter how bad things get, she is still optimistic. In an instant light bulbs started to brighten in everyone. How could we not think about that as well? We each labeled the our buckets with things/issues that emotionally and physically drain us. We labeled them with things that take a toll on us and that interfere with our lives. It seemed as though our lists were almost endless... After sharing, we were told to form groups, locate a horse, put the bridle on the horse we choose and take turns leading the horses around the arena WITHOUT putting our buckets down. Never once did anyone complain. Never once did anyone show any complications with balancing everything at once...we just did it. As wives, mothers, and caregivers - it is amazing the things that we take on. We often think that we are going to break should we take on anything else, yet we don't. We keep taking things on without losing our composure. We have learned how to smile even when we are overwhelmed with day to day life. The one thing that none of us thought about: We were told to carry our buckets...we were never told we couldn't dump the crap out of them. Take a moment to think about what dumping the bucket would have entailed... Personally, I can now leave so much of the things that I allowed inside my life that have no place where they belong, out of my life. The buckets represented the unneeded stresses in our lives that we really do not need, but have been hesitant to let go of. These buckets become heavier by the day because we keep piling more and more crap into them, but if we just dump the buckets and stand up for ourselves, we will feel the heavy weights being lifted from our shoulders.

After a short break we were introduced to Hula Hoops. Okay, I will admit I saw the hoops and at first felt like running. If they expected me to hula hoop, they had another thing coming! Haha. I am not sure I would even remember how!!! Thankfully, us hula hooping was never the plan. However, their mission with the hoops was quite intriguing and has stuck with all of us since we left there. Place a hoop on the ground and stand inside of it. Take this time to process something. What is inside the hoop? Your hoop? You are and that is is. If you cannot control what is happening and it is not a direct impact on you, it does not belong in your hoop. What a great way to let go of things and focus on your own happiness and sanity. Outside of the hoop no longer matters nor is it a concern to you. If you cannot control it, let it go. The only thing that matters is you... in my hoop, me. Undoubtedly, people will judge us and our families and the VA will stress us out. Life won't go as we plan it, and you know what - that is honestly okay. Obstacles on the outside are not within our hoop and should not be added to our daily stresses.

 

Following an eventful day, we enjoyed amazing food, smores, and much needed girl time around a fire. Without realizing it, bonds had been formed by this time and we were all opening up more and more to each other. 

On Sunday, we started our day off the same way. Once at QLF, we sat in a circle with our feet in our hoops and went through the day before. Some had a wonderful nights sleep after a busy and emotional day, and others of us struggled to sleep as we took time to process things. I am one of those that has to take the time to process conversations and events when there is a meaning to them.

Shortly after arriving, we all took chairs into the grass in order to feel the warmth of the sun. It was quite chilly in the arena that morning. We sat in a circle as Dr. Edie Dopking spoke to us about the brain and how TBI's affect the brain. My attention was definitely drawn to all that she had to say with Kevin's brain injuries being one our his daily battles. Edie is so full of knowledge from her educational background, experience, and curiosity. I could have chatted with her for hours to gain more information on brain injuries and how the brain functions. Her strength and intelligence is admirable. Maybe one of these days I can spend more time picking her brain and gaining better knowledge on it all. I will say, it is nice to have a better understanding of why Kevin does some of the things he does or behaves in the way he does now. Thank you Edie for taking time with us!

During the course of Sunday, we spent more time in the arena and with the horses. Much like the day before, our conversations were around us as caregivers to wounded veterans, our husbands injuries, children, daily life, and things we can do to better ourselves. 

After talking and some activities, we were led to the stables and told to come up with four things that hold us back, then we were told to form into four groups. Each group was to take one word and one horse. We painted the words on the horse and painted pictures to describe our word. There were two other ladies in the group with me. We ended up with my favorite horse, who allowed us to paint all over him as he just stood there. He is such a loving guy and honestly, I miss him! We wrote Stigma in big, glittery pink letters and outlined it in black. We drew pictures of things that are a stigma when PTSD is heard.

Once we all painted, we were led back into the arena where three buckets of hay with carrots added were left sitting together. We were then told to label the buckets with resources that help us with our lives. Those resources consisted of support groups, family, money, organizations, and much, much more. We had labels all over each bucket with a different positive resource. It was surprising in a way with all that we were able to come up with, yet how little we actually utilize them. Jenna and Carla then told us we had to protect our resources from the horses. The only rule: We could NOT touch the horses. At that point, they allowed the four horses to come back into the arena. We formed a tight circle around our buckets of resources, refusing to let the horses near them. We had to protect what was rightfully ours. It was actually a bit humorous in how it all played out. One of the horses had "negativity" painted on him. Now, we know how negativity likes to try to force it's way into our lives and too often we allow it to seep into our lives, taking what is ours and leaving us on an emotional uphill climb. This horse tried everything he could to get into our resources. He nibbled on ears, he tried to push his way through, he even kicked ladies in the legs. Yes, he actually kicked! He chased the other horses away and showed his true stubborn side. It was a constant fight for awhile as he became very persistent. We stood strong and never allowed him in.  After time passed and many kicks were made and stomping from him was seen, he walked away and left us alone. Of course, this is also the time that we realized we did things the hard way...again. We were told to protect our resources and NEVER touch a horse. We were never told we couldn't take our worlds (hoops) and resources and leave the arena. We did eventually take our resources away from the threat, which is what we each need to remember to do in day to day living. Walk away from the negative aspects of life.

Following this, we did lead our horses out of the arena to wash the paint off. That was a chore in itself! If you ever paint a horse, which is actually a lot of fun, don't expect the glitter to just wash off!

 

After an eventful day, we said our goodbyes and went back to our hotel. We had about an hour of downtime to shower and collect ourselves before we dressed in our pajamas, WWP robes, and headed to the lobby for the start of a pajama party. We took a group photo outside by the bay, were surprised with an Willow Tree: Quiet Strength. It is perfect not only for the weekend that was spent, but also for the quiet strength we hold and carry with pride. After eyes filled with tears, we ate very tasty Chicken Alfredo while watching videos on WWP. We then hung out, chatted, made survival bracelets, then headed to our rooms. Some went to bed, while others formed up into groups and sat up chatting. Three of us decided to hang out in one of the rooms and talk before we all headed our separate ways the next morning.

My first ever Survivor Bracelet and YES I made it!!! I have now found something very therapeutic that I love making! More to come, I am sure. If you want one, send me a message! (brbiddle@ymail.com)

 Over the course of the weekend, not only did I learn a lot, but I also returned home with more knowledge and clarity in life. I was able to discover and release a peace within me that I did not realize I have and feel the tranquility that I had been missing. When we sat in our circles talking, we shared stories of similarity, stories that each could relate to and stories that only that person had been through. We each realized that no matter how different or alike our experiences have been - whether it be through marriage, the VA, disabilities, parenting, deployments, families, or whatever; the one thing we all shared: We are wives of wounded veterans. We understand the emotions that are tied into being wives and caregivers of veterans, while the majority of society have no idea. It is our husbands PTSD and TBI's and being wives of wounded veterans that tie us together and help up build an instant bond. We listened and we shared stories with a lot of head nodding, "I understand", "Me too" and "Oh, how could I possibly forget that one". With so many different backgrounds and experiences, we could all relate.

From a personal standpoint, I learned it's okay to let go of what I cannot control in life and to do so without feeling guilty, as well as maintaining my hoop and allowing everyone else to work their own messes out. I am working to accept life as it is now and to not hold on to the "what if's" or "could have beens". I am letting go and accepting that Kevin is not the man I kissed goodbye over six years ago, that he did in fact return a different man. He is a man that I am still learning and falling more and more in love with everyday.  He is not who he use to be, but who he is now is still an amazing man. I gained more knowledge on his brain injuries and exactly what they entail, so I now have a better understanding as to why he acts/things in the way he does and I am okay with it. I was able to come to the conclusion that I do fear letting go and trusting in many ways. I have to give trust back to Kevin and allow him to do more of what he can do. I think for quite some time now I have been afraid to do that because he has been through so much. I want to protect him when in all reality, I have to accept the fact I can't. I am human and I am his wife, but not a miracle worker nor can I predict what will happen.

I also learned that I have to put a focus on myself, as in only me. Yes, I am a wife, mother, caregiver, daughter and more, but I am also a person that has been through hell, not only through the military experiences and Kev's injuries, but also with my own health issues and personal life. I have to put some attention back on me and take care of myself. If I don't, who will? I deserve "me time" and it's okay to take the time away that I need.

Each of us hold so much in life and possess a uniqueness that has been pushed to the side. We each have to find the way to let the amazing qualities we hold shine again. We tend to easily get lost in the chaos of everyday life, husbands injuries, children, appointments until "it" becomes who we are. We neglect our wants and desires. The combat injuries that our husbands battle should never become who we are. Taking time for ourselves is not walking away or leaving behind our husbands and their injuries, because our love is too strong and runs too deep. Regardless of what we do for ourselves, our husbands will always be a top priority. However, we must focus on ourselves and how to improve who we are while finding ourselves again.

To the WWP ladies, Sue, Nina, and Robyn, I cannot thank you enough. There are no words for the weekend that was spent in Tampa. I am still trying to clearly process everything, yet in many ways that weekend helped me in numerous ways. To the ladies I am now blessed to call not just friends, but sisters, I love you all and miss each of you. YOU are NEVER alone...ALWAYS remember that! We are in this together. When one of us hurt, we all hurt. When one is happy, we share your excitement and are happy with you. It's comforting to know that we have each other and bonds that will last a lifetime.

(Thank you Ingrid for allowing me to use the photos you took or that were taken from your camera.)

Things to do when your Spouse has Combat PTSD

They warn you about the dreaded knock on the door. They warn you about the possibility of the physical injuries that can be incurred. They tell you about the days and weeks that one may go without hearing from their loved ones while deployed and what a "blackout" means. They explain the days and nights of worries, fears, and loneliness. They explain to you that you'll need your friends that are experiencing the same things. Yet, through it all, they don't warn you about PTSD. They don't explain to you that just because the deployment is over that the war will never really end. This war I am referring to is the war within, the war that many come home with and that never leaves.

Many service members return from deployments struggling with coping and the acceptance of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. PTSD is a chemical change in the brain after going through a traumatic experience. Of course, one can understand that combat experiences are more of a traumatic experience than most can imagine. Some of the men and women that come back from war are forever changed. They are no longer the easy going, carefree, people that left full of life and some innocence. They have flashbacks at undetermined times, they struggle with anger issues and emotional issues, and they become isolated, overwhelmed, and anxious. They lose sight of how life was in the time before. They spend many sleepless nights due to nightmares and night sweats. Many may avoid loud and crowded places, celebrations, and situations that they may have no control over. To them, everyone can be a threat. It is said that an estimated 25% of returning combat veterans come home with PTSD.

This leaves many spouses of service members with PTSD with their own personal battles, wondering how to adjust and what to do through these times and episodes that may exist. They find themselves clinging to the past in hopes that the person they sent to war will eventually return, all the while knowing that more than likely will not happen. There are five things that come to mind when it comes to a spouse accepting and adjusting. I have done these things being that I am a wife of a multi-combat veteran.

Give your Spouse Space.
Trust me; giving your spouse space is a necessity! They have to have this space so they can personally adjust and process all that they have been through and experienced. Even though you find yourself trying to adjust to the changes, they are the ones trying to discover their place in life and who they are.

Never Hound Them for Answers.
The worst thing a spouse can do is constantly nag and hound the veteran for answers and to explain what they experienced. There are things that take place during deployments that many people cannot handle even knowing about. Most of the time, the service member is not going to want to share the gory details of what they have witnessed and had to do. Accept this and move on. If your spouse does want to share their stories, sit back and listen. Never pressure them to keep talking when they can no longer talk. There are stories that will be broken into bits and pieces. Be thankful if they are opening up to you, even if it is just the smallest amount of communication on what they have experienced.

Get Educated
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get educated! Lack of knowledge on this topic can end up making a person crazy when PTSD is involved. The more you know, the more you can help. The more you know the better off you are and the more you can understand the vets mood changes and frustrations. Becoming educated will give you a better understanding as to how to deal with and handle the bad moments and why they battle PTSD.

There are many online resources to help with this education, such as:

Family of a Vet, Inc
VA
Clayton Stress
Give An Hour
NotAlone.com
Operation PTSD


Find a Hobby
As a spouse of an injured veteran, you are going to need a hobby to keep yourself grounded! Take an interest in blogging, scrapbooking, aerobics, exercising, crafting, sports, or anything else that has been of an interest to you. Find something just for you to help you ease your mind. You will need this, especially when days get bad and episodes are active. Becoming involved in a hobby you truly enjoy will ease your anxiety and emotions that will begin once living in a house with PTSD. Creativity really shows through when a person has a lot on their mind. It's a wonderful outlet!

Take Personal Time
The most important things for you as a spouse, take some personal time for yourself! You have to have this to maintain your sanity with this life. Go get your hair and nails done, walk through the mall, spend time sitting in a park, take a hot bath, read a book, or whatever else you find relaxing. With whatever you do, make sure you always remember yourself and take the time you need and deserve. In no way does this make you selfish when you take a time out, instead this will save your relationships and save you emotionally and physically. It is crucial that when going through hard times, you take the time you need to process and adjust as well.

PTSD and anything combat related affects the family as a whole, not just the veteran. Always remember that and never lose sight of who you are.

From Heroes to Monsters...A Question not an Accusation

I originally wrote this on my other blog, Southern Girl's Stand, and decided to share it here as well...

It seems the Dr. Phil episode from yesterday, "From Heroes to Monsters?" has stirred up an increasingly crazy amount of controversy. Many have had very negative views on it, while others have seen nothing wrong. In the beginning, the title to the episode had me in a stage of anger and disappointment. It was a let down to think that Dr. Phil would stoop to a point of referring to our combat veterans as "monsters". After watching the show (and talking with a friend) I came to my senses on what was behind the phrase. He was not referring to veterans returning from combat as monsters, he was instead attempting to show that the label as "monsters" is a false label. As a friend put it, "hence the question mark. The question mark shows that was a question and not an accusation". I do, however, think the title could have been labeled as something different. Something that would not have instantly drawn so  much negative attention. Just by adding the word "monsters" to this topic has an instant negative impact.

The comment out of the whole show that disturbed me most was the one in which he stated that the service members returning from war are "damaged goods". I don't look at my husband as "damaged goods" and for anyone else to think that, refer to our veterans as that, or allow other people to believe that is purely upsetting. I would not want nor would I allow anyone in our lives that even thought for a moment that it would be okay to refer to my husband as "damaged goods", because he isn't. He enlisted in the army as an adult, a husband and father to two little girls. He left his family to fight for his country, for what he believed in, to keep those he loves and many others he has never met, safe. By enlisting, he proceeded to do one of the most selfless things a person can do. Him returning someone different, someone injured, someone with the daily battles and struggles of PTSD is NOT "damaged goods" by any means.

During another point of the show, Dr. Phil made a comment on them being healed - or something in that area. I cannot recall word for word what he said. PTSD cannot be cured. The memories and horrors cannot just be erased. What they did, lived through, witnessed will not just disappear. Everyday, every morning, every night these are wounds - many invisible - that the ones that did thankfully return will have to live with. I am not referring to something they will have to live with for a few days or months, but instead it will be something they live with everyday for the rest of their lives.

I do not feel like there was anything positive to take from this episode of Dr. Phil, which saddens me. In the world of PTSD, we often find ourselves looking for that shining light to guide us through. We want that glimpse of hope. The show did not offer that. It also portrayed the some of the worst cases, such as the veteran that caught his wives legs on fire. Was that PTSD or was there more of an underlying issue? To me that is very extreme. When Dr. Phil listed some of the signs of PTSD, he did not offer to give the ones that we as spouses and family members see everyday.

The episode and topic that was aired yesterday gave Dr. Phil and his producers the opportunity to explain PTSD and to educate not only the veterans and their families, but the general public as well. This was the chance to make society view veterans in a different manner. Instead of doing that, more fear was put into people by thinking of our veterans as nothing more than a liability. The stigma that the public has over combat veterans with PTSD has amplified since the episode aired yesterday. This should not be the case. This show did not make anything any easier for veterans and their families, instead, it may have made it much worse with the way society as a whole views veterans following an intense combat tour.

I say all of this as a wife of a wounded combat veteran, one that was married to her hero before the military came into our lives. We survived basic and AIT. We survived an uncountable amount of field probs, trainings, nights away, and deployments. I write this from the heart of a woman that sent her husband to war to have him return as a stranger. Over the past five years I have watched my world become one that I never imagined to exist, one that I never understood until faced with it. There isn't a very good way to understand it unless you live it daily.

As much as I would love for my husband to be the man that I married so long ago, I know that will not happen and I have grown to accept that. I have learned to cope and manage with the bad moments, days, and weeks. Where we are in life is simply where we are. We cannot change it. We can't reverse the PTSD, the TBI, or other injuries. I can't just bring the "old" Kevin back. Instead, I have adapted to who he is now and how our lives have changed. I have grown accustomed to checking out surroundings and thinking things through because I know there are many situations that he can no longer handle. I have changed our routine, as have our children out of the love we have for him. Do I fear him? Absolutely not. Do I fear the way he could act around others and the outbursts he could have? Often times I do. That is just part of this life that we now live. No matter how much Kevin came home changed, I am forever grateful that he came home. With so many close calls, I could have very well been that wife answering the door to the military informing me of his death, yet I wasn't. That alone makes these trying time worth it.

After watching this episode of Dr. Phil, I would give anything for others to become more educated in the life of Combat PTSD. I hope and pray for society to find a different stance when it comes to viewing our combat veterans and what their families live through. They are not monsters in any sense. They are not damaged goods. They are individuals that selflessly went to war, willing to give their lives if that's what duty called of them. Yes, they returned to us as someone different, but take the opportunity to educate yourself on why they returned differently and what PTSD really is.  Society makes veterans with PTSD out to be a threat, when in reality it's the memories, flashbacks, nightmares, sounds, smells, actions, and overall hell of war that never leaves. 

My 4th of July Thoughts

I remember the first 4th of July that my husband and I spent apart that I actually went out without him. We had been apart before this year for this holiday, but I stayed at our apartment in Germany. In 2007 he was in Mosul, Iraq stationed at FOB Marez, and I decided to take our daughters and newborn to Georgia for a few weeks. This year the meaning of July 4th hit me a lot harder and as soon as "God Bless the USA" started to play as the fireworks in downtown Atlanta began, so did the flow of my tears. There was nothing I could do to hold them back. Maybe that's when the reality struck that my husband was deployed and millions of Americans were celebrating a holiday they could not even explain the meaning to. All they cared about was having a day off work, grilling out and drinking. There I was, surrounded by my family, at the top of a parking deck where they go every year, watching my kids having a blast, and missing a huge part of myself....my husband. There I was surrounded by so many wonderful people, yet I felt more alone than I could remember. As soon as I felt the tears coming I tried to hide my face, yet my Aunt saw me and immediately came over to me. At that moment, it was like the flood gates opened and I lost all control. There I was, surrounded by amazing people and all I wanted was Kevin at my side. The feelings and emotions of loneliness had crept over me. As much as I needed him with me, our country needed him more.

As I stood there, listening to "God Bless the USA", with my Aunt hugging me as I cried, all the emotions that I had held back for a few months came rushing to me and there was no possible way to stop any of it. I had kept it all inside for months, while telling myself that everything would be fine and he would come home just as he had left. At the end of the deployment I was blessed because they came home at the fourteen month mark and not fifteen. They came home a month early and were able to spend the holidays with families and not in Iraq. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. I mean, my husband was home....what could possibly go wrong?

The one thing I was not prepared for was PTSD, TBI, or the lack of knowledge of his injuries, things he had witnessed, the nightmares, distance between us, and so much more that was in store for me. I was naive in it all and thought that my husband was home so all would be okay. Within time, I became lost in my own marriage because shortly after he redeployed home I came to learn that this man that came home from work everyday and this man that I shared a bed with every night and planned to share my life with was a man that I knew nothing about anymore. Where had my husband and the love of my life gone? Then I became angry because no one ever warned me about what I was in store for. No one told me there was a chance he would struggle because of PTSD, TBI, or other combat injuries. No one prepared  me for anything other than either he would come home or I would be greeted at my door by the most dreaded knock and speech for a military wife....

By the time July 4th of 2008 rolled around I had come to learn that my husband was struggling with something, yet I didn't quite know what it was at that point.Our daughters stayed in Atlanta for the summer and hopped back and forth between the grandparents, so it was me, Kevin, and our one year old son at home. We decided to take the opportunity and work around the house. Every other July 4th that we spent together, we celebrated it. When we were in Georgia, we went downtown and watched the fireworks in Atlanta. In Germany, we celebrated on post. In El Paso in 2006, we watched the fireworks with friends at Cohen Stadium after cooking out. In 2008, he refused to go out and we pulled the carpet out and layed tile throughout our entire house...just the two of us. He acted real odd that night and I was so lost with no idea how to handle it. He would yell at me over everything and became real defensive for no reason. When the fireworks started by people in our neighborhood he would snap over every little thing and life became pure hell. I was yelled at for not moving fast enough or for adding too much or not enough grout. Hell, I had no idea what I was doing since I had never once messed with tile or grout. As they got louder and more frequent, I was yelled at more. I was not sure what was going on, but I remember reaching my breaking point, throwing down whatever was in my hand and walking outside to our swing. That is where I ended up hiding out and breaking down into tears. What had happened to my husband?

The following 4th of July he was in Iraq again, so I celebrated with the kids and our neighbors. We shot off fireworks and even though it was fun, I felt lonely and became depressed while missing my husband. This past 4th of July, I was better prepared for the changes and I was also more aware of what was going on and that he had been officially diagnosed with PTSD and TBI. Yet, he still wanted to see the kids happy and let them enjoy the fireworks at the country club. What better way to do it than with friends who lived in the country club community at their house. Of course we celebrated it with cooking out, beer, and some really great sangria for me. He kept a smile on his face and even attempted to go outside with us. As soon as the first one went off, I saw Kevin get real uneasy and flinch, then immediately tell me he was going inside. When I walked into the house as the show was ending, I found him inside talking with a Vietnam Vet. Someone who understood his reason of not being able to be outside, yet didn't have to ask him questions to understand. He just knew. At that instant, I found myself extremely thankful for this man being there and not asking him questions, but just talking small talk with my husband. I am not sure if he will ever know what a life saver he was to Kevin or that he brought tears to my eyes. I wasn't able to be there as I wanted because I had to stay outside with our girls, but someone that understood him was able to jump in. I will forever be grateful for this. There are no words to express my gratitude for this man's presence.  As we drove home, Kevin became very anxious because there were still firecrackers being set off at all angles and it was like we could not get home quick enough.

This year we are spending the 4th of July in the comfort of our own home, and I am okay with that. I have the best understanding than I have ever had of PTSD and what it entails. Our daughters understand that their dad isn't the same man that he use to be and that war changed him. While none of us can understand firsthand what he has witnessed, done and been through, we can understand that a part of him was left in Iraq and will never return. We have all accepted that. Sure, we would love to go to a friends house and cookout with fireworks that night, but we know that is something that will not happen. It's something that we now give up without questioning because of his PTSD. We would much rather have him with us than sit and watch the fireworks. So, while your spouse is not able to handle and tolerate fireworks this year, don't get angry and go out without them because you want to be apart of the celebration. Instead, rent a movie and sit with him. Play a game. Stay at home, even if he has to resort to his "safe zone" because he can't handle the situation. Even if they don't admit to it, just having their spouse there is what gets them through. I have been told many times that me being with him (even when he doesn't show it) gets him through and that he wouldn't be able to do it without me is one of the things that makes me have no interest in being around the celebrations and fireworks.

In the end, what I am saying is, don't be upset, angry or ever hold it against your combat vet when he says that he can't handle this holiday or you see him seeking solitude. In all reality, he is telling you the truth. The fireworks colors may remind him of an RPG as it shoots across the dark skies, the sounds may remind him of mortar attacks, RPG's, fire fights.... don't knock it down when he flinches or tries to take cover. This holiday already holds a special place in the hearts of veteran's and their families, but this holiday is also one that combat vets come to hate because it triggers PTSD episodes that can last for the night or it can last for days or even put them into one of their ruts that lasts for a week or more. Don't come down on them for this. It is honestly out of their control. When you see a vet almost hit the ground or if they do hit the ground looking for cover, don't find humor in the situation, instead, show them you care and are there for them. Their reactions are honestly out of their control. This night is one that makes the vet feel back in combat from the noises, scenery, and even the smell. When they struggle with PTSD there are times these episodes make them think they are back in combat...in a war zone. They are not always capable of differentiating the two. Hold your Veteran close to you this weekend and be thankful you still have him or her by your side. I know I am, today, tomorrow and everyday that I have ahead of me.

While they have made many sacrifices that 99% of the population will never witness firsthand, as military families we should be able to sacrifice this one night and remain by our vets side, helping them make it through the night. I ask this of you, please help them through this night coming up and please help other civilians throughout our country understand the meaning of this holiday as well as the reason our military service members may not celebrate it in the way that the majority of our country will. My thoughts and prayers will be with each of our families as we take on Independence Day for 2011.

Happy 4th of July... May we each remember the reason we have our freedom.... Thank your spouse, mother, father, son, daughter, Aunt, Uncle, or whoever else in in your life that has given you the rights to freedom as an American.