Toddlers and Tiara's

Earlier today I was working on some things when a commercial came on advertising the show Toddlers & Tiaras. Instantly I found myself irritated over the behavior of these "moms" and the way they treat their kids and the way they themselves act. It's a disgrace to many of us. I pulled this from a post I did awhile back on another blog of mine and thought I would share on here.

 I absolutely LOVE watching TLC, NATGEO, Animal Planet, and so many other channels, as well as the shows they allow audiences to view. I love certain reality shows. Not the trash type ones, but the ones that let you into the real lives of other people. Whether it be Real Women of Dallas/Cincinnati, Ganglands, Border Wars, Sarah Palin’s Alaska…whatever. I really enjoy the shows that leave you thinking about life; the ones that can open your eyes to what others have been through, and have you wanting to make changes or know what roads not to go down. However, the one show that really gets under my skin, more than any other show, is Toddlers in Tiara’s.  Really? Moms and Dads out there that participate in this or even consider participating in this need to be slapped! How do you even find it acceptable to put your daughters through this mess? Yes, I am aware that every little girl wants to look, dress, and feel like a princess, I do have two of my own, but to subject your daughters to a world that they have no business in is just not right for many reasons. Your children need to hold onto their innocence as long as possible and embrace childhood. They do not need to be paraded onto stages, dressed in ten pounds of makeup, spray on tans, hair all made up and perfect, heels, “cone” boobs, and bratty attitudes. That is just beyond ridiculous. When do they have the opportunity to even act as a child? Oh wait, is it their time when they are practicing or about to go on stage, pitching a fit, with a pacifier in their mouth? If you are going to subject them to that type of environment then at least pull the pacifier out! They can’t be both baby and “grown” child. Make your pick.  Every time I see the commercials for this show I just cringe. It seems so unfair for these little girls. The one that really makes me go insane is the bratty girl, standing near the stage, screaming with a pacifier in her mouth. She needs to lose it! I could never bring myself to watch that show just because I feel it is wrong! Sure, put your daughters in beauty pageants, I see no issues with that. However, there is no reason to make your child live the life of Toddlers in Tiaras. No child at the toddler stage should know what a full out competition is or should know how to throw a tantrum because they did not win. No toddler should know the term “diet” and find it acceptable that they need to remain a certain size.

*Before any comments are made, no I am not an overweight woman. I am 5’3” and 115 lbs at most. I do have two daughters, they are 8 and 9 and both tall and slim. So, being overweight is not even an issue in my house. Yes, we eat healthy, but no, we do not stick with strict diets.* 

Children of the toddler age, and even older, need to be around children of their own ages. They should be learning how to properly communicate and their brains should be filled with subjects such as the alphabet, colors, shapes, numbers, Church and Jesus, children’s songs, family outings, and so much more. They should be outside playing at the park, riding their bikes and tricycles, playing tag and hiding-go-seek, swinging and sliding, playing in the dirt, finding pure excitement in a new puppy and growing with their new family member. Oh, how my list could go on and on. Put them in dance, gymnastics, or any other sport that they find intriguing. You should not be pushing them onto a stage, prancing around in small outfits, showing off their innocent bodies, and making moves that the girls are your local strip club are making. Parents of today’s society should be examined before they are allowed to be blessed with children. You should never live vicariously through your children. This is their lives, let them enjoy it. Let them have the memories that most of us have as they mature into adults. Let them interact with children their own ages. LET THEM BE CHILDREN!  There should be certain times and certain ages before a child is allowed to act the way you allow your children to act. They should grow up knowing the meaning of class and respect, as well as holding onto to their innocence. 

At a Loss

I should be working on a test right now for a course that I have a little over a week to complete, yet here I am, unable to focus any attention of what I should be doing. Instead, I am thoughts, worries, fears, and pure anger are taking over tonight. I want to cry. I want to throw things. I want to shout at the world that life just doesn't seem fair and that this woman that stands at barely 5'3" and weighs a little over 115 pounds just can't take on anything else. Yet, here I am. As much as I just want to break... I won't. I don't really know how. 

As grateful as I am when it comes to all I have in life and I much as I cherish the smallest things, I don't understand why I cannot just catch a break from upsetting things. I don't even know where to go from here or how long this will be. So, please forgive me should this go astray. I am just at a loss right now. There is just so much going on and even more to accept as I take it all on. 

Kevin just went through a surgical procedure to remove another cancerous spot from his face. The good news is that the surgeon did an excellent job in the procedure and his scar looks AMAZING! I am so happy over this. He was stressed and worried due to having his cheek cut open and because of the fact his arms already make his subconscious enough. In case you are not aware, in 2007 he was hit during a mission and thrown from the turret out into open ground. During this he was knocked unconscious and suffered from TBI, a broken elbow, and severe nerve damage. In 2009 he was sent home a little past midway during another deployment. He was unable to do certain things and could not function properly. It was to the point he had no feeling in either hand and was considered paralyzed. He had to undergo two surgeries, one on each arm to cut nerves, replace things, and move nerves around. Over time he was able to open and close his hands again and slowly regain feeling. However, his right arm and hand didn't heal properly and it is falling back to how it was before the surgery. He has no strength in his hand and struggles at time. He still does not have the feeling back. With this being said, the scars on each arm take up the majority of the arm. We were just informed this past week that he will more than likely have to under go another surgery on his right arm. We should find out more soon. He is also being scheduled for his disk replacement in his neck within the next few weeks. I am trying not to worry to much about this surgery, but it's not working. He can't turn his head to the left very far and is in constant pain. He neck started to show too much curvature in 2007 during the deployment in Mosul and has gradually gotten a lot worse. After injections, physical therapy, acupuncture, and chiro appointments, the only option is the surgery. He is very ready for it to happen and ready to get past the recovery. They say the first few days will be difficult and after that it is more about the muscles in that area re-adjusting to his neck being in a better condition. Within a couple months he will go from being sore and pain to out of nowhere, able to move better than he has in years. It will just happen. I can't wait for him to be out of pain and able to move his head better!

I am still waiting to be scheduled for the surgery on my lower spine/tail bone region. They have to remove a piece of my spine from where I fell and broke my tail bone a couple years back. It never healed and is causing terrible inflammation and pain throughout my lower spine. They may also have to readjust it all while they are in there. We won't know to what extent until after the surgery. The recovery will take about a year, the first month being the most difficult.

On Friday I was informed that I have to undergo ANOTHER abdominal surgery sometime soon. Yes, you read that right...another one. There have been way too many! This one is to remove my cervix. Hell, everything else has been removed, so maybe this will take care of the issues. Who knows though. When I had to go through the oopherectomy in August (removal of ovaries), they were unable to get to my cervix because of the endometreosis and adhesions (which now I have some sort of adhesion disease?). My cervix is wrapped up and connected to other organs and my abdominal wall. To do this surgery is a very high risk thing and takes a highly qualified surgeon to perform. There is a chance of bowel and intestinal damages, but without the surgery I will get a lot worse. We really have no other option at this point. I have been referred to a GYN oncologist who is very qualified to perform this and is not a military doctor. As most of you know, I almost lost my life last year because of an incompetent surgical team at a military hospital. You can read more about this situation here. 

I am also scheduled for another colonoscopy this coming Thursday due to many issues. In November I was admitted back into the hospital for a week due to kidney failure (again) and found out that I had multiple kidney stones and colitis. Since I was diagnosed with colitis I had to go through a colonoscopy. During this time, they found out that I had ulcers that were bleeding and a tumor. With this, I have had some issues since then, ones that I don't care to go into right now, and have to go through the procedure again. The doc is concerned that there may be more to it than originally thought. Of course, following the procedure on Thursday I will know more. 

So, aside from the many procedures I have had to undergo, this coming surgery makes ten surgeries overall and the back will make eleven....

This will be the: 

8th surgery on my stomach since 2001

5th full open abdominal incision (3 were c-sections)(since 2001)

3rd since August 2010 (the other two were laparoscopy's)

They say this one will be difficult in every aspect, even recovery. More so than the others because of what all has to be done and because of the pure fact I will now be cut open five times in the same spot. This is a high risk and major surgery. 

Needless to say... No, I am not doing okay with any of it. I am tired of being cut open. I am tired of crappy health. I am tired of surgeries. I am tired of doctors. I hate it all. I just want health like the majority of others my age. I want to feel good and live a normal life. I am so damn tired of things being taken from me and it pisses me off that I cannot live in ways that a 28 year old should be able to. I am angry over the fact that my life was almost cut short last year and from that I am now limited to so many things. It's not fair. 

No, I am not being rude or ungrateful. To know me, you would know that I am one of the most appreciative people around. But, you know what... I am allowed and entitled to feel as I do. Until you walk in my shoes, please refrain from judging me, my feeling, or things I say. Please don't preach to me on the fact that I am still alive. I know this and am very aware of it all. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for allowing me to stay here. I have a good life with my husband and kids! There is not a single day I take for granted. I never have. Life is a gift and I cherish and enjoy every part of it... even times like now. Yet, that doesn't make any of this right.

It's not right that right now, I need people to be here and to let me cry and vent. Right now I need my family and friends. Right now, once again, I am learning that it's easier for people to brush this off rather than to pick up the phone and call. I am learning again that even with the severity of my husbands PTSD and other issues, he is my main support in life. I don't think I could get through any of this without him by my side... My kids, Kevin, and a few other people keep me going and pushing. We all know that none of this will keep me down for long, because I won't let it. But, right now, in this moment, I feel weaker than I normally do and I don't know what to do. The ones I thought I could turn to, that I have always been here for, have obviously turn the other way. I guess when it is easier to be there for someone when they are going through good things in life and not so much when things get difficult. Though, I have heard quite a few times that if I weren't so far away they could be here for me. Hmmm.... not exactly sure why or how distance can make such a difference. I have never let distance become the reason of not being here for someone that I love and care about. I suppose that is just me though. Distance should never be an obstacle on things in life. I guess I would rather learn this now, than later though. 

Kev's PTSD and TBI leaves us with good days, but it has us facing many difficult days. Seems lately he has been having many bad moments throughout the day and nightmares again. I have learned the signs and the triggers, not all of course, but many. I now know how to handle the kids should one strike and how to handle him. Still, it doesn't make it easier to see him face these battles.... To see us face them, I should say. It angers me to see how lightly many people take combat injuries. It's like it you can't physically see the injury on a person, then it didn't occur. Not even close to the truth... El Paso is breaking him down more and more by the day. There are too many things about this city and the people that leave him fighting flashbacks and hard times. I hate this city because of the struggles I see first hand. I cannot wait to get him and our children away from here and into the quiet little town that we have decided on. It can't come soon enough. 

I just feel at a loss in the moment that I am in and pray for strength to get through it all. I have to and with a smile on my face. Thank you to the ones that have remained by my side every step of the way. There are a couple of you that stay by my side, good or bad. I cannot thank you enough. I am sure I will update more in the next few days. I know I have neglected writing the past few days, but I have had a lot to take in. 

As always, thank you for reading and feel free to comment or email!

                                                                                                                       ~♥~  Britt

A Little Bit Stronger

Two nights ago left me feeling overwhelmed with numerous emotions based on the past week, months, and years of an emotional roller coaster that has stemmed from deployments and health problems. I am sure many of you know me are probably wondering what got into me because the post is not like the majority of other postings; and I do apologize if at any  point I went on and on. I was just an emotional wreck and things really hit me Friday night. I don't know too many people that can take on even half of what Kev and I have been through and are facing in the future. I say that because I have seen first hand the ones that cave and honestly cannot handle when life gets difficult or complications arise. It's hard to hold my head up at all times and to keep moving. Yet, we have no other choices. Sulking is not an option. I was raised to not pout just because life doesn't go my way; and instead to work harder  to enjoy the finer things in life that I am fortunate enough to have. These are just a few things that we try so hard to instill in our kids in order to make them better adults.

I won't sit here and take back my negative and harsh feelings to other's realities and yes, I do know and agree, that we are fighting our own battles. Life is never easy, but it does make us much stronger than when we began. I have many mixed emotions on everything that my family and I have battled recently. One day I am great because I am here, then there are moments that bad news hits or I have time to just sit and thing and my heart aches because of everything and because of what has been taken. Try being 27 and going through menopause or facing many medical issues that at any moment could take your life for the slightest thing that could go wrong. I don't cry and complain to anyone when I am having my moments, instead I just pick myself up and walk on...which is why many are not aware of my personal daily struggles and battles within myself. Other than my husband, there is only one person that I have fully turned to who periodically will receive an email or phone call with me feeling like I am falling apart. And you know, for a second I do feel like I am. That's only human though, right? If you read through my vent the other day, Thank You!

Anyhow, I know that I have not been active in the world of socialization lately, but I have needed to get myself together. However, I will be back on and in full force come Monday. Right now, I need to continue spending the time with Kev and the kids and enjoying our Easter weekend!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to the ladies that have helped keep me together and going over the past few days.

We hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and is able to spend it with the ones you love! If you are spending it without your other half due to these deployments and trainings, you are in our thoughts! I know first hand how the days are hard when they are away and even harder when the holidays roll around.  Keep you heads up and know that your sacrifices never go unnoticed!

Happy Easter

The Stong Can't Always be Strong

Here it is, a little after eleven...not too terribly late, but late enough that I should be in bed. Seems like there have been many nights when I just can't get to sleep and I spend awhile tossing and turning before I finally find myself sitting in the living room, in front of the computer. I spend my time either chatting with friends on facebook (thank you to the ladies who have been here for me lately! I can never show my appreciation enough!) or updating stories and articles with the an amazing non-profit organization I am now working with. I have to say, the ladies that I work with have been an amazing support system and I have been blessed to meet so many wonderful people lately! Off subject on where I was going with this, but check us out www.familyofavet.com. We are also on facebook, www.facebook.com/familyofavet.

Anyhow, it seems that lately life has thrown so many curve balls our way; more so than usual. I have always managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel and see the best in things. I have always managed to be the strong one, knowing that everything will always turn out just fine. After all, we are the ones that ultimately have the choice to make the best out of every situation and experience life throws out way, or we can be miserable and kill ourselves early. I think I will choose to make the best out of it all. That' is just me and I know my optimistic side can become somewhat annoying to certain individuals. I just get frustrated in hearing how hard someones life is or how nothing is going right, when they have so much to be thankful for and when they have never faced true, trying times. I know that every person has their own issues just as I know no one has it "easy". But what it boils down to, many people do have it "easier" than others and take straight advantage of life in place of cherishing it. I know there are people that have it harder than what I have had to face and accept, but I also know that life has been hard as hell at times and this strong girl just wants to step back and evaluate things. I just don't understand why so much has been thrown at me and my family over the years. It has been one obstacle after another, and at times, we can't even find the time to work through one thing before something else occurs.

For those of you who may not know, I have battled life threatening health problems for many years. When I was a young child I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid gland. May not seem like anything big to some, but the thyroid gland controls many aspects of the human body and to put it bluntly, without it functioning properly, you will not survive. In 2005 I was told that it had quit functioning and compound masses were found. There were so many that they could not even get the accurate diagnosis from the biopsy when looking for cancer. Turns out it was pre-cancerous, which we found out about after the thyroidectomy. I am 100% dependent on medication for the rest of my life since I no longer have a thyroid. Over the years, my body has gone through phases that makes it to where I won't accept the meds and more work has had to be done. I have spent time in the hospital just praying while hooked up to many machines and on too many medications to count... Since then there have been struggles with maintaining my levels that come back on my thyroid panels, which are done ever 8-12 weeks. For the past six months my levels have stayed in the normal range and I go next week for more lab work to be done. I am not sure how it will turn out since I have not felt the best lately. Guess we will find out more next week.

Past that, since I was 14 I have battled endometreosis and reoccurring ovarian cysts. The cysts have led to emergency surgeries in the past from the ruptures. I was told at a young age I would never conceive, so I find it a true blessing to have my three little ones. Breanna was my tiny preemie that to this day amazes me that she is even here. It was a true struggle throughout my pregnancy and her first year. I spent more time the last 15 weeks of my pregnancy in the hospital admitted than I did at home. She ended up being an emergency c-section right under 35 weeks gestation due to her heart stopping or slowing too many times with the inability to fall back into the rapid beats. Then her first year she was hooked up to an apnea monitor for the majority of it. In the end, all three turned into c-sections. After having Nicholas in 2007, my "female" problems turned more severe and left me in intense pain and unable to function on a day to day basis. In October of 2008 I ended up having to have a hysterectomy. This surgical procedure made it impossible for me to ever carry a baby again... Talk about a lot to take on at 25.

My health refused to remain stable and in 2010 it got to the point of leaving me in continuous pain and staying sick. After many doctor appointments, they finally decided to send me to gynecology. Long story short, gynecology decided to perform an oopherectomy. This time my ovaries were coming out because the endometreosis was getting worse. Endo grows as your ovaries produce hormones. There is no cure and the only way to get it under control is to remove the ovaries. This was done and it was not done properly. You can find the details to the surgical procedure here that left me on my death bed, fighting for my life, and with more health problems that I face today. Due to the doctor's incompetence that led me to kidney failure in August following the oopherectomy, I also went into kidney failure a second time on October 31. I had to spend Halloween in the hospital and ended up spending a week there, again, fighting for my life. Details on that visit, can be found here. Since then, I have not been able to get back to a normal life and everyday I pray for the strength I had before the surgery in August. The surgery also put me into menopause. Surgical menopause is a lot more intense that falling into it naturally. Naturally it comes on slowly, surgery brings it on immediately. And, let me just tell you...IT SUCKS!!! : )  I tire over the simplest tasks. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Yet, through it all, at the end of the day, regardless of how I feel...I am blessed to still be here and blessed for the husband, kids, family, and friends that I have in life. Without my family and friends, I am not sure where I would be today.

In November while in the hospital it was also discovered that I have a benign tumor in my colon. Today I found out that my symptoms are in fact getting worse and I now have to undergo another colonoscopy on May 11. The doctor is very concerned about what the tumor may be doing as well as what is going on with me. I haven't gained weight, yet my pants and shirts no longer fit because I am so bloated in the lower abdomen. The doctor picked up on this right away. Truthfully, I am quite scared....

I am also having surgery on my lower back, which I have already explained in a recent post, so there is no reason for me to go back into it again. I am currently waiting on my insurance to approve everything. The pain is still intense and I am trying my best to tolerate it to the best of my ability. At times I just have to take the pain meds that I have been given.

I haven't even listed all that I am going through with my health, because it is just too much to think through. If you know me, then you may know my battles...

Aside from what all I have going on, we also have a lot on our plate with all that Kev is facing and battling every day. Since returning from his deployment in 2007 (and second one in 2009), he has been a different man. He battles severe PTSD, TBI, permanent nerve damage in both arms (causing surgery in each arm), bone spurs in his back, degenerative disc disease, sleep apnea (which has him sleeping with a CPAP machine every night), arthritis in his back, crushed vertebra throughout his back, skin cancer, and more. All stemming from combat. He is being medically retired from the army and should be out no later than the end of this year. To read more about his conditions, click here. I go more into detail in this posting. I am so angry about what the war has done to my husband, but there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is continue cherishing the times we have and just be grateful that he is here with me today. I am one of the "lucky" spouses of the wars...

Through all of this, there are days that I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I just want to break and cry. I want to be like many others and scream, shout, and yell at the world. I want to shake people and just make them understand. I want to beat the people that cry and complain because of how "unfair" life is or how they are upset their spouse has to work a little later than normal or because things don't go as planned. What are plans? We don't even live by plans anymore because we can't. And you know what, that is okay. We have adapted to the changes that we are faced with and we have done it together. Life isn't easy, but it is what we make of it. I am told by some that it is okay to cry and to not always be strong, but I don't know how to do that. All I know is to keep pushing on. Yet, today I honestly couldn't help but to think...what happens when the strong one finally breaks? Not that I will, because that is not my style. I don't know though, right now I feel at a loss. I see others my age with no health problems and they are able to keep going. They can work and live life. Things I am limited to being able to do. I see my friends complain because their husband doesn't want to go out or just wants to relax and I can't help but to think of what war has done to mine. I am just feeling so many emotions right now. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or us, I just want people to understand that life has been hard and it hasn't always dealt us the best hand when it comes to things, but we keep striving for more and we make the best out of it. Even when we think we can't keep going, we find a way.

I also came across some people today that were complaining about how much life sucks and I ask why. Their responses are always based around the material things in life... There is more to life that not being able to buy that car you want or the prices on things. People complain to much and forget all that they are blessed to have. They put too many pity parties on themselves and there is nothing attractive about that.

So, next time people want to complain about things that really won't matter ten minutes or a year from now, I pray they find it in themselves to think about what others are going through. It could always be worse. I know life has been difficult and that I have overcome many obstacles, but I also know that I have so much to be grateful for. I am not saying I don't complain, because I know I do over some things. Even when I hit close to bottom, I always find the bright side.

Right now I have the choice to play the pity card and I refuse to. Am I scared of the outcome on my colonoscopy? You bet your butt I am. But, I also know that whatever comes out of it, I have Kevin, my kids, family, and friends to help me through it. I know that I will get through it. I always do. Am I scared of my kidneys failing again because everyday I stand a high chance of it? Of course! But, what good would it do to live life based on the what ifs? Honestly, I would love nothing more than to not worry about any of it and to just live normal. Yet,  normal is out of the question with all that I have been through and all that Kevin faces.

At the end of the day, Kevin and I will be okay and we will get through whatever life throws. As always it is one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is all we can do. So, if I get down for a moment, please forgive me. Life isn't easy right now and I can't always be strong. Within time though, I will always pick myself and my family back up. I will continue putting the pieces back together and keep pushing forward. We have a long road ahead of us, but I am ready to face it head on with my family.