Post July 4th Thoughts

There are those days when one can accomplish mountains of work and do so with little issues, even when things are beyond chaotic at home... Then there are days that no matter how hard you try, you feel so disconnected from things that you need to be working on that you end up with no other choice but to step away...or not even begin working on what you need to complete. The latter one has been me today.

Today has been, well, one of "those" days. I can't help but to wonder if maybe it is due to the holiday passing in the middle of the week. Not like it can disrupt our week during the summer this year. No one works outside of the house. The kids are not in school. Yet, somehow it managed to turn the ending of the week into crumbling pieces. It seems we have been a bit on edge and quite possibly overwhelming in a sense. Things have been nonstop from everyone's brains forgetting simple tasks or things they have remembered for years, yet managed to forget today. The kids are acting OUT. OF. CONTROL. And by that I do mean seriously CRAZY! To top it off, it doesn't stop there...even the damn dog has been running wild today. I feel like I live in a zoo! Why is it that these things only happen such as they are all at once. It's like the old saying goes, "when it rains it pours"...I think that quote takes new meaning to me now.

Kevin has been more kept to himself since the 4th. I hate the way holidays take a toll on this house now. I miss the way things use to be. I miss the easiness in life, the smiles, the laughs, the joys out of simple things. The 4th has really messed with a lot of our veterans this year, just as it does every year. Fireworks don't even have to be set off for the apprehension to just take over and for me to find myself walking on a bit of eggshells hoping that moods simmer down.

I can't help but to think about what life was like before Iraq and how easy it was to take advantage of the luxury of being able to enjoy things, only now to feel a bit bitter towards the holidays because of what their true meaning is and how little people really think about it. What gets me the most about this holiday is that Kevin and the many men and women that are living this hell after combat are the ones that fought for our freedom. They are the ones that have enabled Americans to live as we do, yet they can't even celebrate it. How horrible is that? It's just not right. As fireworks exploded across our nation just a couple nights ago and people celebrated with alcohol, cookouts, swimming, friends, family, and even strangers - our nations heroes were hiding out in their houses, taking anxiety medications and praying for the night to just end so the flashbacks would stop, the current reminders would just disappear, and they could somehow pull out of the bad spot they were in. Yet for many of them, when Thursday morning rolled around they had taken steps back instead of forward. It's like a domino effect - you push one down and they all start collapsing. Well, this is what happens with our combat veterans that battle PTSD. It's not magic, they can't just pull out of the "funk" or "episode" they are in because a new day has started after living through double hell of nightmares and flashbacks.

Wives such as myself haven't slept much, we have walked on eggshells, and we have watched as our husbands have stayed in bed the day after the 4th just trying to get through it. We have been a witness to what war leaves behind as we scramble to pick up the pieces, all the while knowing that no matter how much we scramble, the pieces will never just be picked up and placed back together.

As much as I want to be pissed at the people running the firecracker stands, the people shooting them off, and the people forgetting the reason we are all so free - I can't. I can't for the simple fact, just years ago Kevin and I WERE those people. We were the kids out shooting fireworks. We were the ones loving the amazing firework display that downtown Atlanta puts on every year. We were the ones sharing the excitement at my moms house as everyone got together, because that one day we knew that family and friends would reunite. What we didn't realize was the brutal truth behind war and what the veterans return from war with until we lived in the shoes. So, I can't be mad at the ones enjoying it. I do however, wish there was a way to better educate people on things. I wish someone had educated me on the truths of war - NOT the book version in school. That doesn't account for anything when it comes down to the individual we are speaking of.

All I can do is hope and pray that as the years pass, the holidays become a bit easier. I'm not holding my breath, but I am hoping that family and friends find it in their hearts to understand why during holidays (especially July 4th) we will always opt to stay home, alone. It has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with there is no way I am going to get my family out in that mess and risk my husband falling back more steps. I'd rather stay home, with the tv loud as it can go drowning out the outside world. A few days - or maybe even a week later - things will fall back into place and we will be able to be around people again. Time and understanding is what it will take...

As everyone was enjoying the 4th of July, I pray they each took the time to remember our true heroes and all that they have done and sacrificed as well as their families. Every combat veteran and their family have given more than most realize for our country's freedom and no matter how many bad days there are, the good will always overpower the bad. We will always come out with a smile on our faces and honestly, many would do it all over again for the sake loved ones.

Survivor's Guilt

For a few years now I have witnessed my husband struggle day after day with what is known as Survivor’s Guilt. Experiencing this is what prompts me to write this article. Mainly, it is to let others know how common this is and ways to help. Survivor’s Guilt is something that we as families cannot relate to, yet we find ourselves in situations of trying to “fix” things and help our spouse move past this battle in the aftermath of the war.  

It can strike at any time.......

It haunts our military service members on a daily basis.... The demons of war and the loss of the ones they are bonding and fighting beside that are lost causing them to lose themselves at times... It is one of the causes that leads a service member in the decision to take their own life. This horror that can damage and destroy some of our troops lives is known as Survivor's Guilt and it affects thousands of our men and women everyday...

This article has been reposted by request of some individuals on our FOV blog. Please feel free to share your thoughts here in the comments or on the site with the entire article. To read more on this article that I wrote not too long ago after watching my husband with some of his battles, please read it at our FamilyOfaVet.com blog site, http://blog.familyofavet.com/2011/10/survivors-guilt.html. And please, feel free to share this with your loved ones. Just because our service members return home from combat, does not mean they are not forever changed. A part of the war will always remain with them.

Falling in Love All Over Again

After three hours of Kevin being in the OR and me being on the verge of a breakdown because the procedure that was only supposed to last a little over an hour ended up being over three hours. Panic was beginning to set in to the point I had to ask the Red Cross Volunteer woman if she could find out what was going on with my husband. Of course, she went to the OR area to check the status of his procedure and find out what was taking so long. She was only away from a few minutes and came back with the news that they were in the process of transferring him from the OR to the recovery area and that his doctor would be visiting with me within moments.

Not long after the conversation with this sweet lady, Kevin's neurosurgeon came in to get me and Nicholas. As we were walking to the recovery area, Dr. Caram explained all that had taken place and why it had taken double to time. Once he had made the incision and was in the neck area, he was able to see the extent of the damages. He was able to see that the MRI did not show how horrible things really were and what had been done to Kevin after being hit with so many IED's. Kevin has severe arthritis and bone spurs in his neck as well as the bones crushing down on his neck. There was a lot of drilling and moving around in order to replace a disc and perform a fusion. He had bones pressing down on the nerves that was causing a constant pain in his neck, shoulders, and stabbing headaches. 

As we approached the recovery area, I saw my husband lying in the bed not even knowing who he was or where he was at that moment. I saw a side of him that I had never seen, even after he had his arm surgeries he wasn't as bad. He kept lifting his arms and placing his hands against his heads in hopes of trying to ease the pain. The good sign that I immediately picked up on was that my husband was lifting his arms again with no problem. But, to see him in that amount of pain I felt my heart just ache. For about an hour they kept pushing the pain meds through him in hopes to alleviate some of the pain. I felt helpless seeing him this way. Yet, he kept grabbing onto me and keeping me as close to him as he could.

About an hour after being in the recovery area, we were taken a few floors up to a room that he would be staying the night in. During the few hours that I was able to stay with him, Kevin kept me laying beside him, holding me close, which Nic played on my phone or watched a movie. I felt like at some points I was Kev's crutch as he tried to hard to not let me see the pain he was in. I don't think he realized that it all showed through just by looking at his eyes. Through this time, Kev kept telling me how much he loves me and yet, I still felt helpless because I couldn't just make him feel better.

During this time, I felt my heart break into a million pieces as I watched the battles, yet at the same time I felt my heart swell with pride knowing what all he has done and been through. I caught myself on multiple moments after he pulled me beside him to lay with him on his bed, tearing up and trying my hardest not to shed even a single tear. I mean, how do you explain to someone fresh out of surgery the thoughts that were going through my mind. Everything from the past two deployments and his injuries became raw and fresh to me all over again. My husband has honestly lived through the true hell of combat. He has done, seen, witnessed what we all fear or worse, what we all imagine the most difficult situations to be in war. He pulled convoy security, he did the recovery missions, he was involved in multiple firefights. He's lived the true hell of war.

For the first time since his return in 2007 and again in 2009, everything truly hit me. It all came falling down on me like a pile of bricks. When I returned home that evening, the tears just poured. I often hear many wives mad and yelling at the world because their spouse is no longer the person that they sent off to war. I know this is true.... Yet, how can one find so much anger in this situation. All I could think was, my husband came home. Even if he has severe problems with PTSD, TBI, sleep apnea, skin cancer, and everything else that has come out of the deployments, we can work through it all. He's home with me and our kids and he is alive. There were so many times over there when things could have gone differently. I could have been one of the many that had to live through the feared and dreaded speech of "On behalf of the United States Army, we regret to inform you...", yet I wasn't. I didn't have to explain to our children that their daddy wasn't coming home. I haven't had to rebuild my life, alone, while daily just trying to keep it together because my spouse didn't come home physically.

So, here I am, lucky and relieved because I can lay my head down every night with Kevin beside me. As I write this, I feel selfish and in pain because I know how many others there are that are no longer able to experience this any longer. In the end, regardless of what war has brought to my house, I no longer have doubts, fears, or worries that we not overcome everything. Sure, life and marriage won't always be easy, nor do I expect it to be. However, something during the recovery period following Kev's surgery hit me hard and I found myself falling in love all over again with this man that I met years ago and have been blessed to share my life with. War changes people, but it's what you make of it in the end and the determination a spouse and veteran have to make things work. I welcome the new changes that lie ahead, including the challenges that come after combat.  Kevin will never be the same mentally or physically again as he was before he ever deployed, yet he will always be the man I love and continue sharing my life with.