At a Loss

I should be working on a test right now for a course that I have a little over a week to complete, yet here I am, unable to focus any attention of what I should be doing. Instead, I am thoughts, worries, fears, and pure anger are taking over tonight. I want to cry. I want to throw things. I want to shout at the world that life just doesn't seem fair and that this woman that stands at barely 5'3" and weighs a little over 115 pounds just can't take on anything else. Yet, here I am. As much as I just want to break... I won't. I don't really know how. 

As grateful as I am when it comes to all I have in life and I much as I cherish the smallest things, I don't understand why I cannot just catch a break from upsetting things. I don't even know where to go from here or how long this will be. So, please forgive me should this go astray. I am just at a loss right now. There is just so much going on and even more to accept as I take it all on. 

Kevin just went through a surgical procedure to remove another cancerous spot from his face. The good news is that the surgeon did an excellent job in the procedure and his scar looks AMAZING! I am so happy over this. He was stressed and worried due to having his cheek cut open and because of the fact his arms already make his subconscious enough. In case you are not aware, in 2007 he was hit during a mission and thrown from the turret out into open ground. During this he was knocked unconscious and suffered from TBI, a broken elbow, and severe nerve damage. In 2009 he was sent home a little past midway during another deployment. He was unable to do certain things and could not function properly. It was to the point he had no feeling in either hand and was considered paralyzed. He had to undergo two surgeries, one on each arm to cut nerves, replace things, and move nerves around. Over time he was able to open and close his hands again and slowly regain feeling. However, his right arm and hand didn't heal properly and it is falling back to how it was before the surgery. He has no strength in his hand and struggles at time. He still does not have the feeling back. With this being said, the scars on each arm take up the majority of the arm. We were just informed this past week that he will more than likely have to under go another surgery on his right arm. We should find out more soon. He is also being scheduled for his disk replacement in his neck within the next few weeks. I am trying not to worry to much about this surgery, but it's not working. He can't turn his head to the left very far and is in constant pain. He neck started to show too much curvature in 2007 during the deployment in Mosul and has gradually gotten a lot worse. After injections, physical therapy, acupuncture, and chiro appointments, the only option is the surgery. He is very ready for it to happen and ready to get past the recovery. They say the first few days will be difficult and after that it is more about the muscles in that area re-adjusting to his neck being in a better condition. Within a couple months he will go from being sore and pain to out of nowhere, able to move better than he has in years. It will just happen. I can't wait for him to be out of pain and able to move his head better!

I am still waiting to be scheduled for the surgery on my lower spine/tail bone region. They have to remove a piece of my spine from where I fell and broke my tail bone a couple years back. It never healed and is causing terrible inflammation and pain throughout my lower spine. They may also have to readjust it all while they are in there. We won't know to what extent until after the surgery. The recovery will take about a year, the first month being the most difficult.

On Friday I was informed that I have to undergo ANOTHER abdominal surgery sometime soon. Yes, you read that right...another one. There have been way too many! This one is to remove my cervix. Hell, everything else has been removed, so maybe this will take care of the issues. Who knows though. When I had to go through the oopherectomy in August (removal of ovaries), they were unable to get to my cervix because of the endometreosis and adhesions (which now I have some sort of adhesion disease?). My cervix is wrapped up and connected to other organs and my abdominal wall. To do this surgery is a very high risk thing and takes a highly qualified surgeon to perform. There is a chance of bowel and intestinal damages, but without the surgery I will get a lot worse. We really have no other option at this point. I have been referred to a GYN oncologist who is very qualified to perform this and is not a military doctor. As most of you know, I almost lost my life last year because of an incompetent surgical team at a military hospital. You can read more about this situation here. 

I am also scheduled for another colonoscopy this coming Thursday due to many issues. In November I was admitted back into the hospital for a week due to kidney failure (again) and found out that I had multiple kidney stones and colitis. Since I was diagnosed with colitis I had to go through a colonoscopy. During this time, they found out that I had ulcers that were bleeding and a tumor. With this, I have had some issues since then, ones that I don't care to go into right now, and have to go through the procedure again. The doc is concerned that there may be more to it than originally thought. Of course, following the procedure on Thursday I will know more. 

So, aside from the many procedures I have had to undergo, this coming surgery makes ten surgeries overall and the back will make eleven....

This will be the: 

8th surgery on my stomach since 2001

5th full open abdominal incision (3 were c-sections)(since 2001)

3rd since August 2010 (the other two were laparoscopy's)

They say this one will be difficult in every aspect, even recovery. More so than the others because of what all has to be done and because of the pure fact I will now be cut open five times in the same spot. This is a high risk and major surgery. 

Needless to say... No, I am not doing okay with any of it. I am tired of being cut open. I am tired of crappy health. I am tired of surgeries. I am tired of doctors. I hate it all. I just want health like the majority of others my age. I want to feel good and live a normal life. I am so damn tired of things being taken from me and it pisses me off that I cannot live in ways that a 28 year old should be able to. I am angry over the fact that my life was almost cut short last year and from that I am now limited to so many things. It's not fair. 

No, I am not being rude or ungrateful. To know me, you would know that I am one of the most appreciative people around. But, you know what... I am allowed and entitled to feel as I do. Until you walk in my shoes, please refrain from judging me, my feeling, or things I say. Please don't preach to me on the fact that I am still alive. I know this and am very aware of it all. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for allowing me to stay here. I have a good life with my husband and kids! There is not a single day I take for granted. I never have. Life is a gift and I cherish and enjoy every part of it... even times like now. Yet, that doesn't make any of this right.

It's not right that right now, I need people to be here and to let me cry and vent. Right now I need my family and friends. Right now, once again, I am learning that it's easier for people to brush this off rather than to pick up the phone and call. I am learning again that even with the severity of my husbands PTSD and other issues, he is my main support in life. I don't think I could get through any of this without him by my side... My kids, Kevin, and a few other people keep me going and pushing. We all know that none of this will keep me down for long, because I won't let it. But, right now, in this moment, I feel weaker than I normally do and I don't know what to do. The ones I thought I could turn to, that I have always been here for, have obviously turn the other way. I guess when it is easier to be there for someone when they are going through good things in life and not so much when things get difficult. Though, I have heard quite a few times that if I weren't so far away they could be here for me. Hmmm.... not exactly sure why or how distance can make such a difference. I have never let distance become the reason of not being here for someone that I love and care about. I suppose that is just me though. Distance should never be an obstacle on things in life. I guess I would rather learn this now, than later though. 

Kev's PTSD and TBI leaves us with good days, but it has us facing many difficult days. Seems lately he has been having many bad moments throughout the day and nightmares again. I have learned the signs and the triggers, not all of course, but many. I now know how to handle the kids should one strike and how to handle him. Still, it doesn't make it easier to see him face these battles.... To see us face them, I should say. It angers me to see how lightly many people take combat injuries. It's like it you can't physically see the injury on a person, then it didn't occur. Not even close to the truth... El Paso is breaking him down more and more by the day. There are too many things about this city and the people that leave him fighting flashbacks and hard times. I hate this city because of the struggles I see first hand. I cannot wait to get him and our children away from here and into the quiet little town that we have decided on. It can't come soon enough. 

I just feel at a loss in the moment that I am in and pray for strength to get through it all. I have to and with a smile on my face. Thank you to the ones that have remained by my side every step of the way. There are a couple of you that stay by my side, good or bad. I cannot thank you enough. I am sure I will update more in the next few days. I know I have neglected writing the past few days, but I have had a lot to take in. 

As always, thank you for reading and feel free to comment or email!

                                                                                                                       ~♥~  Britt