Five Years has Come & Almost Gone

Next week on March 21 we will be celebrating the 6th birthday of the most amazing little boy I know. A little man that stole a part of my heart that I never knew existed after the girls had already taken so much. This little man, born almost five weeks early completed me and completed our family of five. It's so hard to believe that give years have come and now almost gone since we welcomed Nic into our lives, our hearts, and our world.

Over the last five years I have watched him grow and change, I've held him close as he shed tears in pain after falling or becoming upset with his big sisters. I've laughed at his silly ways and goofy expressions and I've learned the true meaning of having a "mamas boy".

I never knew how much three kids could and would change my life and I never imagined I could love three little people as I do my three. Even though I had all quite a bit early in life, I thank God every single day for allowing me to welcome these three into our lives when he did. Had he not, I would never experienced all of this or been blessed with my own kids.

Time has passed more quickly than I wished for and my children are all so big and independent now. My heart swells with pride when I see them accomplish big and little things, just as it hurts and breaks when I see them upset and in years.

It's been an amazing ride this far and it leaves me absolutely excited, anxious and a bit nervous for the years to come with these three!

So, to this little man that stole the rest of my heart and changed each of our lives, we thank you and we all love you more than words! You bring so much laughter into each of our lives and we would not be complete without the silliness of you! We are all so excited to share your 6th birthday with you next week and can't wait for this next year to begin with you!!!

USO's 4th Annual Caregivers Conference

On February 25, 2013 I had the opportunity to attend the USO's 4th Annual Caregivers Conference in San Diego, CA that has impacted my life in ways that I never imagined. The presentations and atmosphere as a whole has changed my life in such a positive way. There are not words that describe the impact that was made or all that has remained in my life. This conference has helped me to open up more to our life and to what we are going through, as well as openly express to others what we have been through. If our experiences and our story can help someone else out in life, then I want to help. After attending this conference I have been able to grasp how far our family has come and how far I have come as an individual. There is no doubt that we will have many hard days ahead with Kevin's injuries and I am "okay" with that because I know that the good days will guide me through the difficult ones. Those few and far between glimpses of who he use to be bring light to the darkness. I also know that bad days are okay to have, as long as I can pick myself up the following day and continue walking on with a smile. This life is one that I never anticipate, one that I never dreamed I would live. However, it is the life I have been given and with it I will make the most. I am proud of my husband and the man he is and know that despite the injuries, seen and unseen, he cannot help his actions most of the time or the way his PTSD and TBI's tend to "take over" his life and our family. I am just grateful to have him here and feel blessed that I can be here for him as his wife and caregiver. Thank you so much to the USO and everyone involved in this conference. My appreciation goes such a long way! I cannot wait to see what the next conferences have in line for the many caregivers of our wounded veterans! Thank you for all that you have done, do and will continue to do in the future!


The mission of the USO's CEO and President, Sloan Gibson spoke to all of us, expressing the mission of the USO is to lift spirits among the service members, families, veterans, and caregivers of veterans. We now fall into three of those four categories. I attended this conference as a wife of a wounded combat veteran, but also as his caregiver - which I became without even realizing it following Kevin's injuries. Sloan went over four goals of the USO, which I believe are reachable and need to happen.

1. Sustain hope and instill confidence for a fulfilling future
2. Keep families together and strong. Healing is so much more that operating rooms and recoveries. It goes beyond that.
3. Have a plan for future families
4. Help families build a network of support for the future.

The compassion in his words and confidence in his voice left me with more respect and admiration for the USO.

Sloan Gibson has held presidency with the USO since 2008 and is a graduate of United States Military Academy at West Point. He served as an Infantry Officer and earned both his Airborne and Ranger qualifications. 

Col Willard Buhl was the next person that spoke briefly to us. He spoke to us about us being caregivers and how we have to take times for ourselves. Too often caregivers experience Caregiver Fatigue and we lose our bedside manner. We become short with those around us, those that we are closest to and sometimes it takes someone on the outside to point this out. It takes the true friends and family we have to tell us we need a break, to tell us to take a "time out". What we are dealing with should not become a stigma in our lives and it should never be something that we don't want to admit.

We need to surround ourselves with people that we have a good relationship with that we trust and can help bring us back to common ground and help us to adjust. This life we are living is a team effort and if we don't work together, we won't survive it. We must learn to delegate things in our lives. Yes, I know this is a very difficult thing for many of us, but we have to learn to hand responsibilities over in life. As human beings, we will never get everything done if we are expected to keep going twenty four hours a day. As a caregiver, we must learn to take breaks and take time for ourselves.

Col Buhl, Commander, Marine Corps Wounded Warrior Regiment. He enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1981 and commissioned in 1986.

Game On Nation - Confidence Boosting and Laughter:

Learn to stay Optimistic During a Difficult Time

The next presenter is one that strongly impacted my life in a positive aspect. He is one that I am forever thankful to that touched the lives of many and is helping to change lives with his theories and ways. Steve Shenbaum is a man that I encourage you to check out and to pay close attention to his presentations. There is a real good presentation on YouTube (The Power of Honesty, Humility, and Humor) that is worth sitting down and listening to...What you will take from it is a deeper appreciation for things and those around you.

When Steve began, he stated his intention was to "move us with laughter". In the beginning he automatically started with the fact that we all need to laugh and how laughter sends off endorphins making us feel better. We listened as he spoke about connecting with others and the importance of connections. There are three rules for connecting with others that we all need to follow:

1. Don't bounce - don't go from one person to another and never connect. Don't stare at someone, just connect. Get to know each other. This all starts with a smile. If you remember someone's eye color, you will remember their name. So, get their eye color.
2. Are you listening or are you just waiting to talk?
3. Don't be too cool for school. For us to move one another, we must put our cool away. No one wakes up in the morning thinking "Hey, I want people to laugh at me today". Remember to always laugh with - not at.

 Video games have four different themes/concepts that are addicting and that we need to pull away from; empowerment, mystery, competition and humor. They keep endorphins flying. Find something in life that does the same thing. Laughter and connecting will do this! Step away from video games and focus on life, the good things that bring humor and smiles. Laughter sends endorphins out that leave us wanting more. Empower people by making them feel valuable and bring humor by lifting each other up.

Steve went over "Expert Speaking" with us, explaining we are all expert speakers. We are all presenters in life, whether it be a job interview, date, teaching, or volunteering. When speaking, people are leaning into our words. Listen to the title, "Expert Speaker" - we are all experts in our lives and should all root for one another. When the Expert Speaker game was played, there were three rule: all of which we should abide by.

1. Everything you say is correct and I will agree
2. Everything I say is correct and I will agree
3. Take care of one another. You take care of me and I will take care of you.

When connecting:

1. Show it before you say it. Sit and act like an expert. Have confidence in yourself. Often, we are the pilot.
2. When communicating with loved ones, you are the expert on you. Surround yourself with experts.
3. Always surround yourself with people that will have your back. People that will and are clowning on you, let them go! Protect your wall and protect your space. (From my last retreat: Protect your hoop!!!)

Steve's challenge to us: Think of things that light you up, that you value. These things are called "Coins". Coins are not what you do for a living, they are things that make you shine, that put a smile on your face. When you think about them, talk about them, and share them - it completes your entire picture in life. Coins give us value.

When connecting with someone by using coins, don't fake the connection with "I understand". Connect with things that light you up - outside of being a caregiver and outside of the military. Find what you have in common. This is where connections and bonds are formed.

What are your coins? Find your value, smile, and own it!!! 

If you are an organization looking for a presenter or an individual looking for laughter and gaining strength while doing so, I encourage you to look at the video in the link a couple paragraphs above. Look at Steve's website, Game On. This is a man that has touched the lives of many, including mine. He changes outlooks, while bringing humor into a room. There are not enough words to explain how my outlook on things has changed, which in return plays a positive impact on my life.

Steve is a former actor and is now president and founder of Game On Nation. He has worked with seven No 1 overall draft picks from the NBA, NFL, and NHL, as well as numerous college athletic teams. 

What About the Kids?

Raising Children and Teens During Transition

Trevor Romain, Diana Holmes, and Melinda Morgan led this session speaking about the challenges and ways to beat these challenges. As we all know, raising kids is difficult in itself, but when you throw in raising children in a house with a wounded combat veteran, the difficulties are amplified.

What are the current challenges our children are facing?
They are not getting enough information from us as parents and adults. They are left feeling confused and worried. We need to communicate with them and explain the situation, explain the injuries and how they have affected not only the veteran, but the family as well. When our children don't have answers to issues they know exist, they will make up stories for answers. Communication is so important. Explain to them that the medications Daddy uses make him sleepy or that Dad had a big bang on his head, so we can't play how we use to - but we can still play and have fun. Explain with the head injury that dad can't handle bright lights, so that is why he keeps rooms dark when he is in them.

With age, personality, and growth, children can handle and cope with things differently. Remember this when talking and communicating with your children. When they know what is going on and they aren't acting differently, let it all go and know they are okay. Give them knowledge because it makes them feel involved. It's important to let them know they can always come to you and ask anything - no questions are silly. They don't want to "burden" you with questions because too often they hear "don't worry about it", so make sure you give your children the ability to talk. Also, remind your children that daddy/mom still love them and they are still dad/mom.

Children become "experts" at being okay, so finding a safe way to build communication - reconnect and rebuild is crucial. Give your children journals as a way to express themselves. Ask them "Did you notice..." when it comes to obvious changes in their injured parent, then follow it with "how did it make you feel?" Continue to have conversations about everyday life - not just when things happen. Let them know that we are all vulnerable and that it's okay to show emotions. It's okay to cry.

As a parent, never be afraid to show them you worry. Say more to them than, "I know how you feel", instead replace it with, "I'm worried to...". Never judge your children based on their thoughts. Talk through scenarios and give them tools when they are on their own. Give them and help them build the self-confidence to handle situations.

When someone offers to help you and your family, remember them and take them up on  it! If they didn't want to help, they wouldn't offer. We aren't wonder woman and when we feel better as a person, we will be a better parent, wife, and caregiver.

Trevor Romain, Co-Founder and President of The Comfort Crew for Military Kids. He is a best selling author and illustrator of self-help books for children, as well as a motivational speaker. Trevor has performed on many USO tours, helping military kids deal with problems they face on daily basis - from deployments to wounded parents to the loss of a loved one.

Diana Holmes is a wife to a Marine, caregiver, and mother of four children. 

Melinda Morgan, Ph. D., LCSW, Site Director Families OverComing Under Stress...or FOCUS, at Camp Pendleton

Invisible Wounds:

Post-Traumatic Stress and TBI Recognition

This session was led by Nancy Commisso, Melissa Nova, and Sarah B. Asmussen.  Throughout this session, we listened as the speakers hit on the invisible wounds, that we all know so well and the signs/symptoms of these injuries. PTSD leaves your veteran in a constant state of anxiety and nervousness, always uneasy with what will happen next. No matter how long the veteran lives with PTSD, it will always be an active disorder.

When your spouse, give them a sense of purpose in the home. Give him a reason. If he is unable to work outside the home, he may feel as though he has no purpose and it becomes easy to dwell on limitations and injuries, other than purposeful and positive energy. Encourage him/her to find a sense of purpose and enjoyment to keep them motivated. 

Caregivers, carrying our own sense of worry can become our own personal "PTSD". Take advantage of the mental health care that is offered for caregivers through the VA.

Nancy Commisso, Director, Military Family and Wounded Warrior Caregiver Support, Easter Seals DC/MD/VA

Melissa Novoa, Caregiver and Spouse to a medically retired Marine. She is a mother of three and full-time employee of the naval hospital at Camp Pendleton. She speaks about her experiences because if has aided in her own recovery.

Sarah Asmussen, Ph. D., Co-Senior Scientific Director and Clinical Neuropsychologist, Defense and Veterans Brain Injury Center

Couples Intimacy and Communication:

Breaking the Barriers to a Healthy Relationship

Life in the military adds many obstacles in our lives, but when you add in injuries; seen and unseen, the obstacles are amplified beyond what we could ever imagine. Noel Meador, Nicole James, and Chaplain (Lt.Col) Laura Bender touched on this topic. 

Our lives are slowly becoming the "new normal" as we adjust to the injuries of our veterans. This alone can raise emotions, including anger. When anger comes out, defense is made. However, anger is typically an outlet for something much deeper, such as fear, frustration,and grief. You are grieving for the loss of the present, loss of what the future is suppose to be. You have the thoughts of "he didn't die over there, but he didn't come home either". I know I for one, have this thought all the time. It often crosses my mind that physically my husband came home, but tragically not all of him returned. 

It would be helpful to you as his caregiver to take time to process all of this and to research what you and your veteran are going through. Combat injuries are a lot to take on in life and for our families. Learn the effect that the injuries will and do have on the veteran and your family. Educate yourself on the extreme highs and extreme lows that will come with the injuries and your lives. Cognitive issues and PTSD make things in life a bit more challenging. One thing to remember: Men need to be respected and admired and women need affection. As a married couple, you have to find the mixture of these things.

Noel made a good point, "The one big thing you need for communication to be affective is empathy". Always remember this. 

As humans, we are often afraid of conflict. We try to avoid it, yet what we are avoiding is a resolution to a problem. Act in a positive manner to address the conflict, which in return will lead to a successful resolution. Managing a conflict in a positive manner will leave you satisfied in the long run.

If you change dynamics in a relationship, you will see the domino effect take place. One one changes, the other will soon follow suite without realizing it.

A relationship is like a car: It requires maintenance to keep it flowing in a healthy manner. It needs a tune up after so many miles. With that being said, why do we think our relationships can go on without basic tuneups? Relationships take work and at times counseling, and that's okay. It's needed. Keep your relationship in line and remember it takes maintenance, patience, and love to keep it healthy. Feelings will follow actions most of the time. It is possible to maintain a healthy relationship and marriage after injuries if you look at it in a new way and new beginning.

Stronger Families offers a FREE 7 Day Love Challenge that is definitely worth taking time to check out.  For a small amount, you can also take the Couple Checkup. This site allows couples to restore insight and understanding in couples while they are able to hold conversations that they probably would not have held before the checkup.

Noel Meador, Executive Director, Stronger Families. Noel is dedicated to strengthening families and marriages. He works with wounded, ill, and injured military couples at various military installations and medical facilities in partnership with the USO Warrior and Family Care. Take time to look at the Stronger Families website and make an effort to attend the conferences that are being scheduled at military installations nationwide. These conferences are worth every moment that you will spend attending one.

Nicole James, Caregiver and Spouse to a Marine Sergeant. 

Chaplain (Lt. Col) Laura Bender, Marine Corps Wounded Warrior Regiment. 

About the USO Warrior and Family Care (the following is directly from the USO):

USO Warrior and Family Care  offers program support for wounded, ill and injured troops, their families and caregivers, as well as families of the fallen. This support provides a continuum of care that helps provide wounded, ill or injured warriors with the hope and confidence to sustain their journey toward full and rewarding lives. The program presents the best opportunity for our heroes to heal with honor. It also supports the troops' families and caregivers throughout the recovery process, as well as giving assistance to families of the fallen.

USO's support of wounded, ill and injured troops, their families and caregivers continues today and has expanded to encompass many critical facets of life, including physical and recreational activities, behavioral health support, family strengthening, education, employment training, and community reintegration support. In order to support wounded, ill and injured troops, their families and caregivers, USO Warrior and Family Care offers multiple programs and partnerships with best-in-class organizations.

Follow the USO's website to find out when future Caregivers Conferences will be held so that you or someone you know can register to attend.

 

My Challenge to You

While I am simply cruising at 426mph and 37,960 ft up in the air - I have time to think. I have time to sort through things that have been on my mind lately at my own pace with no children interrupting my thoughts or dog needed to be let out. We have two hours and forty six minutes until we arrive in San Diego.

A moment of honesty here... I am was terrified to fly until today. I have only flown a few times before now and that was from Georgia to Germany ...only international and never domestic. Crazy, huh? I still find it insane that my first flight nine years ago was overseas. Who the hell just jumps on an 11 hours plan ride OVER the ocean that has never flown before??? This chick right here! Since then, I have always found a reason or way to drive wherever I was headed versus flying. Flying was an intense fear, especially alone. Today I faced that fear and am so glad I did. I have actually enjoyed the time to just sit and think, in which is exactly what I have been doing. Facing a fears head on is a good thing, it brings strength and the ability to do more in life. It allows us to let go of things that may and do hold us down.

I have also been thinking a lot about how easily it is for us as individuals to get lost in things and relationships. It's easy for us to fall into bad relationships and struggle to pull away. I'm not just referring to our spouses, either. I a talking all relationships - friendships, families, work... Relationships that are toxic, suffocating and turn us into people we aren't. We all have them, so don't try to deny it.

What do you do when you fall into one? Well, it's never too late to get out of it. Always remember that. Over the past few years, I have found myself cutting more and more people out of my life. They enjoy the drama too much or are just mean and spiteful people or they are the "misery loving company" type individuals that are only content when others are falling on their faces. Who needs   that and honestly, who the hell has time for it? I know I don't..                                                            

The more time that has passed since the WWP retreat I attended, the more time I have had to think. I can honestly say the retreat made me a better person. I learned a lot about myself that weekend and was able to bring it home with me. I have been able to focus on me and who I am, I have found ore clarity in things and relationships. I can simply let go of things that won't matter a month, year or ten years from now. Those things are not worth occupying my time or energy with. Since the retreat, I have also learned how easy it is for people to simply "click". I met two ladies that will forever hold a place in my life. Our friendships were formed and it instantly felt like we had known each other for years. It's a rare thing to find.

So, my challenge to you dear friends and readers, let go of the toxic relationships and anything that will hold you down. You are all amazing and unique individuals. We each serve a purpose in life. Find your purpose and run with it! Never let anyone hold you down or keep you from doing what makes you happy. I also challenge you to face one of your fears. Do something that terrifies the hell out of you and come out with a smile of accomplishment.

And always, be you!!!

Finding Me in My Hoop

Last weekend, I stepped out of my comfort zone and into an area of the unknown. I was a bit fearful, as I had no idea what to expect or what was to come. I had been invited to a Wounded Warrior Project Retreat for caregivers of wounded veterans. I was full of excitement, yet nervous. I have heard from others the emotional toll the retreats can take on wives of wounded veterans and knew that it would take a lot for me to keep my composure. Talking about Kevin's combat injuries and the toll it has taken on our family can be difficult at times with people that don't understand what we live through, but when you put women together that just "get it" and live the life every single day, the emotions can really take over. We understand what the others are going through and it is an understanding and bond that cannot be expressed in words.

With the hotel being in Tampa, FL, I ended up leaving my house around 5:30 Friday morning in order to be at Heather's house around 8:00 and on the road from her house by 8:30. We arrived at our hotel around 2:30 Friday afternoon and walked into the conference room, where we were greeted by WWP ladies. I am so sure a bit of fear and uncertainty was written all over our faces as we began to wonder what the hell we had gotten ourselves into.

After filling out paperwork, we were able to check into our room and were in awe at the suite we were provided and the fabulous view of Tampa Bay. I could have stared out my window from sunup to sun down. It was just beautiful. Following check in and some needed downtime, we took some time to learn names of the ladies that were taking part in our adventurous weekend and to become more familiar with the WWP ladies, who we each came to love! We ate a wonderful dinner at a nearby restaurant, where stuffed shrimp, steak, Mahi, and other tasty foods were served. I decided to go with an impeccable Crab Crusted Mahi Mahi, salad, and New York style Cheese Cake. It was divine!!! Many laughs and stories were shared over our tables and bonds were in the early stages of being formed.

*Disclaimer before I even start into our weekend: If it is out of order, please understand. The weekend was incredibly busy and held so many emotional moments. I am also certain I have left a few details and activities out of this post because my mind is running in a million directions. If you were at the retreat and want to add something, please leave a comment! I would love for you ladies that were there with me to also add to it from your perspectives.*

 

Saturday morning, we all woke, ate breakfast, and loaded the vans by 8:00, then were off to Quantam Leap Farm. Upon our arrival we were welcomed by a group of amazing women, Edie Dopking, Carla Staats, and Jenna Miller. Over the course of the weekend, we spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday with these ladies, especially with Carla and Jenna. Edie founded QLF in 2000 to serve to those with injuries and disabilities. She wanted to share the special gifts and sense of freedom horses offer (and I can definitely attest to this). Those of us know the retreat we apart of the W.O.W (Women of Warriors) at EASE (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association) Program. This program is for caregivers of wounded warriors and is a program that will follow each of us that have participated in it. The EASE program is run by Carla Staats, Co-Director, MA, LCDC, CAP, CTT, EAP, EAGALA Certified Professional, who is the founder and president of Staats Behavioral Health and Wellness, LLC, and Co-Owner of N2 Nutrician, LLC. Jenna Miller is also a Co-Director at EASE Program, Head Therapeutic Riding Instructor, MA, RMHCI.

On Saturday morning, we spent it around a fire getting to know each other and focusing on PTS with Bob Delaney. I must say, if you are not familiar with his name, become familiar!!! Bob has so much insight on PTSD and has so many stories to tell. I feel so very fortunate that we were able to be blessed with his presence.  Delaney wrote a book, Surviving the Shadows, that each of us left with. I have yet to have time to read it, but it is my next read - one that I cannot wait to read!

Saturday afternoon was spent in the arena, taking on the equine side of things. This is where many emotions came out and we began processing all that we are taking on in our lives. We tend to take on more than we realize and honestly more than we should. To start the afternoon session off, we all stood on a ramp in the arena and were told to watch the horses as they made their way around the arena and interacted with one another in their world. We quietly observed as our soon to be new equestrian friends moved around while carefully watching the unfamiliar humans that had taken over a small portion of their space. We watched how they reacted to each other, how one would claim dominance over the others and how one would stand off to the side, almost alone. We cautiously and carefully observed every move they took, just as they did us. After a short time passed, we were asked to discuss and express what we had witnessed. The observations were each unique and each so truthful. It is amazing what you can learn in a few moments of silence and observation. After a short talk, we were then instructed to go out into the arena and meet the horses. Excitement swept over some of us, while fear washed over others. I instantly felt connected with what looked like the largest horse in the arena. There is something special about him. He is large, yet has such a soft demeanor about him. I guess he reminded me of Kevin. Everyone is instantly intimidated by him, but when given the chance the intimidation factor subsides and the soft side shows through.

At one point on Saturday we were each told to grab a bucket and were led to a huge pile of manure. At this pile we were told to fill our bucket with as much crap as what we felt was taking an emotional toll on us, what was bringing us down. Most of us filled it close to the rim, yet one person filled it not even half way - Her reason was no matter how bad things get, she is still optimistic. In an instant light bulbs started to brighten in everyone. How could we not think about that as well? We each labeled the our buckets with things/issues that emotionally and physically drain us. We labeled them with things that take a toll on us and that interfere with our lives. It seemed as though our lists were almost endless... After sharing, we were told to form groups, locate a horse, put the bridle on the horse we choose and take turns leading the horses around the arena WITHOUT putting our buckets down. Never once did anyone complain. Never once did anyone show any complications with balancing everything at once...we just did it. As wives, mothers, and caregivers - it is amazing the things that we take on. We often think that we are going to break should we take on anything else, yet we don't. We keep taking things on without losing our composure. We have learned how to smile even when we are overwhelmed with day to day life. The one thing that none of us thought about: We were told to carry our buckets...we were never told we couldn't dump the crap out of them. Take a moment to think about what dumping the bucket would have entailed... Personally, I can now leave so much of the things that I allowed inside my life that have no place where they belong, out of my life. The buckets represented the unneeded stresses in our lives that we really do not need, but have been hesitant to let go of. These buckets become heavier by the day because we keep piling more and more crap into them, but if we just dump the buckets and stand up for ourselves, we will feel the heavy weights being lifted from our shoulders.

After a short break we were introduced to Hula Hoops. Okay, I will admit I saw the hoops and at first felt like running. If they expected me to hula hoop, they had another thing coming! Haha. I am not sure I would even remember how!!! Thankfully, us hula hooping was never the plan. However, their mission with the hoops was quite intriguing and has stuck with all of us since we left there. Place a hoop on the ground and stand inside of it. Take this time to process something. What is inside the hoop? Your hoop? You are and that is is. If you cannot control what is happening and it is not a direct impact on you, it does not belong in your hoop. What a great way to let go of things and focus on your own happiness and sanity. Outside of the hoop no longer matters nor is it a concern to you. If you cannot control it, let it go. The only thing that matters is you... in my hoop, me. Undoubtedly, people will judge us and our families and the VA will stress us out. Life won't go as we plan it, and you know what - that is honestly okay. Obstacles on the outside are not within our hoop and should not be added to our daily stresses.

 

Following an eventful day, we enjoyed amazing food, smores, and much needed girl time around a fire. Without realizing it, bonds had been formed by this time and we were all opening up more and more to each other. 

On Sunday, we started our day off the same way. Once at QLF, we sat in a circle with our feet in our hoops and went through the day before. Some had a wonderful nights sleep after a busy and emotional day, and others of us struggled to sleep as we took time to process things. I am one of those that has to take the time to process conversations and events when there is a meaning to them.

Shortly after arriving, we all took chairs into the grass in order to feel the warmth of the sun. It was quite chilly in the arena that morning. We sat in a circle as Dr. Edie Dopking spoke to us about the brain and how TBI's affect the brain. My attention was definitely drawn to all that she had to say with Kevin's brain injuries being one our his daily battles. Edie is so full of knowledge from her educational background, experience, and curiosity. I could have chatted with her for hours to gain more information on brain injuries and how the brain functions. Her strength and intelligence is admirable. Maybe one of these days I can spend more time picking her brain and gaining better knowledge on it all. I will say, it is nice to have a better understanding of why Kevin does some of the things he does or behaves in the way he does now. Thank you Edie for taking time with us!

During the course of Sunday, we spent more time in the arena and with the horses. Much like the day before, our conversations were around us as caregivers to wounded veterans, our husbands injuries, children, daily life, and things we can do to better ourselves. 

After talking and some activities, we were led to the stables and told to come up with four things that hold us back, then we were told to form into four groups. Each group was to take one word and one horse. We painted the words on the horse and painted pictures to describe our word. There were two other ladies in the group with me. We ended up with my favorite horse, who allowed us to paint all over him as he just stood there. He is such a loving guy and honestly, I miss him! We wrote Stigma in big, glittery pink letters and outlined it in black. We drew pictures of things that are a stigma when PTSD is heard.

Once we all painted, we were led back into the arena where three buckets of hay with carrots added were left sitting together. We were then told to label the buckets with resources that help us with our lives. Those resources consisted of support groups, family, money, organizations, and much, much more. We had labels all over each bucket with a different positive resource. It was surprising in a way with all that we were able to come up with, yet how little we actually utilize them. Jenna and Carla then told us we had to protect our resources from the horses. The only rule: We could NOT touch the horses. At that point, they allowed the four horses to come back into the arena. We formed a tight circle around our buckets of resources, refusing to let the horses near them. We had to protect what was rightfully ours. It was actually a bit humorous in how it all played out. One of the horses had "negativity" painted on him. Now, we know how negativity likes to try to force it's way into our lives and too often we allow it to seep into our lives, taking what is ours and leaving us on an emotional uphill climb. This horse tried everything he could to get into our resources. He nibbled on ears, he tried to push his way through, he even kicked ladies in the legs. Yes, he actually kicked! He chased the other horses away and showed his true stubborn side. It was a constant fight for awhile as he became very persistent. We stood strong and never allowed him in.  After time passed and many kicks were made and stomping from him was seen, he walked away and left us alone. Of course, this is also the time that we realized we did things the hard way...again. We were told to protect our resources and NEVER touch a horse. We were never told we couldn't take our worlds (hoops) and resources and leave the arena. We did eventually take our resources away from the threat, which is what we each need to remember to do in day to day living. Walk away from the negative aspects of life.

Following this, we did lead our horses out of the arena to wash the paint off. That was a chore in itself! If you ever paint a horse, which is actually a lot of fun, don't expect the glitter to just wash off!

 

After an eventful day, we said our goodbyes and went back to our hotel. We had about an hour of downtime to shower and collect ourselves before we dressed in our pajamas, WWP robes, and headed to the lobby for the start of a pajama party. We took a group photo outside by the bay, were surprised with an Willow Tree: Quiet Strength. It is perfect not only for the weekend that was spent, but also for the quiet strength we hold and carry with pride. After eyes filled with tears, we ate very tasty Chicken Alfredo while watching videos on WWP. We then hung out, chatted, made survival bracelets, then headed to our rooms. Some went to bed, while others formed up into groups and sat up chatting. Three of us decided to hang out in one of the rooms and talk before we all headed our separate ways the next morning.

My first ever Survivor Bracelet and YES I made it!!! I have now found something very therapeutic that I love making! More to come, I am sure. If you want one, send me a message! (brbiddle@ymail.com)

 Over the course of the weekend, not only did I learn a lot, but I also returned home with more knowledge and clarity in life. I was able to discover and release a peace within me that I did not realize I have and feel the tranquility that I had been missing. When we sat in our circles talking, we shared stories of similarity, stories that each could relate to and stories that only that person had been through. We each realized that no matter how different or alike our experiences have been - whether it be through marriage, the VA, disabilities, parenting, deployments, families, or whatever; the one thing we all shared: We are wives of wounded veterans. We understand the emotions that are tied into being wives and caregivers of veterans, while the majority of society have no idea. It is our husbands PTSD and TBI's and being wives of wounded veterans that tie us together and help up build an instant bond. We listened and we shared stories with a lot of head nodding, "I understand", "Me too" and "Oh, how could I possibly forget that one". With so many different backgrounds and experiences, we could all relate.

From a personal standpoint, I learned it's okay to let go of what I cannot control in life and to do so without feeling guilty, as well as maintaining my hoop and allowing everyone else to work their own messes out. I am working to accept life as it is now and to not hold on to the "what if's" or "could have beens". I am letting go and accepting that Kevin is not the man I kissed goodbye over six years ago, that he did in fact return a different man. He is a man that I am still learning and falling more and more in love with everyday.  He is not who he use to be, but who he is now is still an amazing man. I gained more knowledge on his brain injuries and exactly what they entail, so I now have a better understanding as to why he acts/things in the way he does and I am okay with it. I was able to come to the conclusion that I do fear letting go and trusting in many ways. I have to give trust back to Kevin and allow him to do more of what he can do. I think for quite some time now I have been afraid to do that because he has been through so much. I want to protect him when in all reality, I have to accept the fact I can't. I am human and I am his wife, but not a miracle worker nor can I predict what will happen.

I also learned that I have to put a focus on myself, as in only me. Yes, I am a wife, mother, caregiver, daughter and more, but I am also a person that has been through hell, not only through the military experiences and Kev's injuries, but also with my own health issues and personal life. I have to put some attention back on me and take care of myself. If I don't, who will? I deserve "me time" and it's okay to take the time away that I need.

Each of us hold so much in life and possess a uniqueness that has been pushed to the side. We each have to find the way to let the amazing qualities we hold shine again. We tend to easily get lost in the chaos of everyday life, husbands injuries, children, appointments until "it" becomes who we are. We neglect our wants and desires. The combat injuries that our husbands battle should never become who we are. Taking time for ourselves is not walking away or leaving behind our husbands and their injuries, because our love is too strong and runs too deep. Regardless of what we do for ourselves, our husbands will always be a top priority. However, we must focus on ourselves and how to improve who we are while finding ourselves again.

To the WWP ladies, Sue, Nina, and Robyn, I cannot thank you enough. There are no words for the weekend that was spent in Tampa. I am still trying to clearly process everything, yet in many ways that weekend helped me in numerous ways. To the ladies I am now blessed to call not just friends, but sisters, I love you all and miss each of you. YOU are NEVER alone...ALWAYS remember that! We are in this together. When one of us hurt, we all hurt. When one is happy, we share your excitement and are happy with you. It's comforting to know that we have each other and bonds that will last a lifetime.

(Thank you Ingrid for allowing me to use the photos you took or that were taken from your camera.)

Celebrating Diversity Among Americans

Last week, Breanna poured herself into an essay in regards to diversity and placded 3rd out of over 30 essays turned in. The following day, we attended her school's night at Barnes & Noble, which each grade had students take part in, whether it was speaking, skits, dancing, or singing. Breanna, bravely stepped in front of the crowd and read her essay. To say we are proud of her is a huge understatement. 

Below is her essay:

Good evening. My name is Breanna Biddle and I am here to talk about Celebrating Diversity Among Americans.

Diversity helps us live the way we do today. Without it, our world might be crazy and we might be separate from blacks, whites, Hispanics and all types of other people.

When a white and black are friends, they will learn from each other. Let's say your friends with a hispanic and he/she teaches you a part of their life, maybe they will teach you about cooking or their language. Knowing me, I have been all around the world, like Germany, El Paso, TX, Arkansas, and Paris, France. Since I have been all around the world, I know a little German and Spanish. I have so many friends that are black, hispanic, white, and Puerto Rican. Knowing different people, they may want you to be like them or start doing a couple things like they do. Having a different friend is good for you.

There is this one friend I have to tell you about and her name is Mrs. Glenda and she is from Puerto Rico. One time she came over to our house with her family to spend the night. For dinner she made a really good meal for us. It was different from American foods because it was something she learned in Germany. Having different people in your life as friends is good for you. Without them, you will never know what it is like where they are from or what they eat and do.

The reason our world is the way it is today is because people a long time ago were separate from each other and nobody liked that. Awhile back, this world didn't have diversity. A bunch of people tried to have diversity. Think of Martin Luther King Jr and Abraham Lincoln. They both tried to free people and bring all types of people together to become friends. You could thank both of them if you have a friend who is different from you.

Diversity is a big thing and without it, people would not have the friends they do now.